The Copy Doctor at work…

Here is a news story from Canada News Wire, and a demonstration of how the Copy Doctor would edit it.

Released version: MONTREAL/CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal based technology firm providing document output products and solutions – continues to ‘wow’ the local community with its recent new appointment. Xpertdoc welcomes Ms. Varsha Bhat as the incoming President, effective immediately.

PRWriter Revision: MONTREAL/CNW Telbec/ – Xpertdoc Technologies Inc. – a Montreal-based technology firm providing document output products and solutions ‘wowed’ the industry by apppointing Varsha Bhat as its President.

Comments:

  • No need to say ‘Montreal-based,’ as a ‘Montreal technology firm is complete
  • If you must use the slangy ‘wow’ idea that you cannot substantiate, who is being wowed? Why the local community—isn’t the industry more important?
  • ‘Continues to’ is one of those clauses that almost always be eliminated. Previous examples of ‘wow’ can be expressed in subsequent comments.
  • ‘Recent new’ appointment is redundant and unnecessary. The announcement implies ‘new.’ The only way the qualifier would be relevant and ‘effective immediately’ is if the appointment took place in the future.
  • President is not capitalized when it follows the name
  • Using Mr or Ms is not CP style. If saying that Bhat is female is important, isn’t there a stronger way to underscore it, such as she is the ‘industry’s first female’ or something like that.
  • In the rest of the release, the CEO is ‘proud to announce’ the appointment, while an advisory board member is also ‘pleased’ as is an investor who is quoted, repeating the word. “Ms” is also repeated four times and her first and last name is used in the last paragraph, where it should not be necessary.

All that in one release!

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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