In the PR Writer’s last PR Tools post, I called out the OMA’s writing for excessive use of ‘you’ in the copy. Some have asked, why is it important to edit out? Two reasons:
- Addressing readers is irrelevant as they know they are reading something from the writer.
- ‘You’ and ‘yours’ are extraneous words that can almost always edited out, saving on copy. There are better ways to express content.
A central adage of my book How to be a better online writer overnight is the fewer words the better. If the same idea can be expressed, then take the words out. Give your readers a break: make the copy shorter. ‘Brevity is the essence of style,’ E.B. White used to say.
This example, from a blog, perhaps shows the most egregious excess with ‘you.’ The writer was trying to adopt an informal tone, reader to reader but the net effect is repetitious. Take a look:
Original
Sometimes you have to mentally pack so you spend as little time as possible actually doing it before or after work, with a 50% chance of forgetting a necessity like your toothbrush, comfiest shoes or portable charger. Never mind having time to research “things to do” or “where to eat” wherever you may be going. On the flip side, if you have time, you likely over pack as you dive into your what may seem, bottomless closet and think “I might wear this”, only to end up wearing 25% of what you packed and wishing you left room in your luggage to bring home new things. 106 words (you or your: 11 times).
Better PR Writer edit
Mentally packing sometimes and spending less time actually shoving things into a carry-on reduces the 50% chance of forgetting necessities like toothbrushes, comfy shoes or portable chargers. Never mind researching the destination’s “things to do” or “where to eat.” On the flip side, most over pack, diving into what may seem like a bottomless closet, thinking “I might wear this,” ending up wearing little of it, wishing there was more room to bring home new things. (89 words — ‘you’ not used at all)
Let’s unpack this segment by segment.
- Sometimes you have to mentally pack so you spend as little time as possible actually doing it before or after work, with a 50% chance of forgetting a necessity like your toothbrush, comfiest shoes or portable charger. (38 words)
- Mentally packing sometimes and spending less time actually shoving things into a carry-on reduces the 50% chance of forgetting necessities like toothbrushes, comfy shoes or portable chargers. (28 words)
Apart from eliminating 10 words and every ‘you,’ it reads better.
- Sometimes you have to mentally pack/Mentally packing sometimes
- So you spend as little time as possible actually/spending less time actually
The next part:
- Never mind having time to research “things to do” or “where to eat” wherever you may be going. (19 words)
- Never mind researching the destination’s “things to do” or “where to eat.” (13 words, no ‘ you’)
Wherever you may be going/ Never mind researching the destination’s “things to do”
‘Wherever you may be going’ is replaced with ‘destination’s’ using the beloved apostrophe, an English advantage.
Finally, the last part:
- On the flip side, if you have time, you likely over pack as you dive into your what may seem, bottomless closet and think “I might wear this”, only to end up wearing 25% of what you packed and wishing you left room in your luggage to bring home new things. (52 words)
- On the flip side, most over pack, diving into what may seem like a bottomless closet, thinking “I might wear this,” ending up wearing little of it, wishing there was more room to bring home new things. (38 words)
The quote style with ‘this’ is enlarged as it’s a style mistake. Put the quote after the comma, as in “this,” – that’s correct. A pet peeve of mine, seen all too often.
I rest my case. Happy Holidays!
