I had some fun slagging (and editing) the sloppy writing in the cannabis boom but now as mushrooms and psychedelics are becoming ‘the next big thing,’ the press release writing is equally poor, if not worse. In this news release, the news judgment and the story emphasis is abysmal and full of so many extra words. The writer should definitely Download my How To Be A Better Writer on Amazon.ca
Let’s take a look.
Original headline
New Wave Holdings subsidiary, Way of Will Inc. is pleased to announce its launch of high-quality mushroom products for Q1 2021 (21 words)
Better PR Writer edit
Way of Will Inc., New Wave Holdings subsidiary, launches Functional Mushroom Collection in five health and wellness subcategories (18 words)
Saying ‘pleased to announce’ in a lead is amateurish enough but, in a headline, it’s a fatal error and an egregious waste of space. Not only that, but there is also no news in the headline: ‘pleased to announce its launch of high quality mushroom products’ is non-specific; it could be mushrooms for high-end restaurants. As written, it’d be heading straight to the trash.
In the revision, information stated later in the news release should be in the headline. Stating ‘functional mushrooms’ starts to point the editor in the right direction. Headlines should always tell the whole story (and interest the reader) in just a few words. The original does not.
Then, inexplicably, the headline or subhead introduces the rest of the story. It might have been a headline as it does tell the story.
WAY OF WILL Joins the ‘Shroom Boom’ with High Quality Functional Mushroom Wellness Collection
Original lead
TORONTO, Jan. 14, 2021 /CNW/ – NEW WAVE HOLDINGS CORP. (the “Company” or “New Wave”) (CSE: SPOR) (FWB: 0XM2) (OTCPK: TRMNF) an investment issuer that provides capital and support services, is pleased to announce its launch of high quality new functional mushroom wellness collection under Way of Will Inc.
Better PR Writer edit
TORONTO, Jan. 14, 2021 /CNW/ – Way of Will Inc., a subsidiary of NEW WAVE HOLDINGS CORP. (the “Company” or “New Wave”) (CSE: SPOR) (FWB: 0XM2) (OTCPK: TRMNF), an investment issuer providing capital and support services, launches Functional Mushroom Collection in five health and wellness subcategories.
Many public companies want their name first, as was done in the original lead. The ‘pleased to announce’ is repeated (of course you are, why else do a press releases). Here it makes no sense, as the news is about the subsidiary and the parent, a ‘issuer providing capital’ is really boring and doesn’t attract the reader. Functional mushroom collection is repeated from the headline as it should be. If it’s in the headline, repeat it in the lead, a basic tip.
Second paragraph original
Known and loved for their wellness formulas that incorporate natural plant-based ingredients, WAY OF WILL is pleased to announce an upcoming launch of a new product line featuring one of nature’s best ingredients: mushrooms. As part of a recent acquisition by New Wave, one of the primary goals is to make WAY OF WILL a more well-rounded and holistic company, beginning with the integration of functional mushrooms into the existing health and wellness product line. (75 words)
Better PR Writer edit
New Wave recently acquired Way of Will, with a goal to make it a more well-rounded and holistic company, beginning with functional mushrooms’ integration into the existing health and wellness product line. Way of Will is Known and admired for wellness formulas incorporating natural plant-based ingredients (46 words)
Some copy mistakes:
- Known and loved for their wellness formulas – it’s ‘its’ wellness formulas and it modifies ‘Way of Will’ and refers to a company
- Pleased to announce – repeated for the third time
- By New Wave – a passive voice Better PR Writer edit
- Ingredient is a singular, so it would be followed by ‘its.’
Some notes about a series
Original introduction and bullet points. Note the word repeats in the series ‘blend, blend and blend.’
This exciting new Functional Mushroom Collection will contain products that can be categorized into five different health and wellness subcategories. This includes:
- An Antioxidant Blend for better overall skin heath
- An Immunity Blend that promotes overall immunity health
- A Brain Function Blend to help combat stress and increase brain function
- An Energy Blend that gives a mental and mood boost
- An Adaptogen Blend that promotes sleep and relaxation
Always eliminate word repeats!
Better PR Writer edit
This exciting new Collection contains products in five different health and wellness subcategories including these blends:
- Antioxidant — better overall skin heath
- Immunity — immune system boost
- Brain Function — combats stress and increases brain function
- Energy — mental and mood boost
- Adaptogen promotes sleep and relaxation
Note ‘blend,’ the repeated word is introduced at the outset of the series, eliminating the word repeat.
One more edit
Original
Some of the functional mushroom varieties that can be found in the new products include Lion’s Mane, Reishi, Cordyceps, and Chaga. Each ingredient in the functional mushroom blends is carefully selected for their powerful and nutritional benefits, as well as their effectiveness in providing a natural way to maintain one’s health and wellness. WAY OF WILL has been working closely with experts and pioneers in the field to formulate new products based on the five functions in the collection.
Better PR Writer edit
Mushroom varieties found in the new products include Lion’s Mane, Reishi, Cordyceps, and Chaga. Each ingredient is carefully selected for its powerful and nutritional benefits, as well as effectiveness in providing a natural way to maintain health and wellness. WAY OF WILL works closely with the field’s experts and pioneers to formulate new products based on the collection’s five functions.
Again, in one short release, so many improvements. I am exhausted.
