How to trim 33 words from an 80 word lead

A day in the life of Canada Newswire – May 16, 2017

Part of an occasional commentary about writing that PR people pay to distribute but can be improved by applying the PR Copy Doctor’s Of Is and By techniques.

As released on Canada Newswire

‘Summer Certified’ cans exclusive to Canadian market, six limited edition designs come to life when exposed to sunlight

TORONTO, May 16, 2017 /CNW/ – Coors Light has introduced the world’s first beer cans with sun activated ink technology exclusively to the Canadian market. Available nationwide, the Coors Light Summer Certified cans have six limited edition designs painted in photochromic ink that are nearly invisible until the cans are exposed to UV rays. The moment the cans are brought into sunlight, the vibrant colours of the designs are instantaneously revealed. Coors Light’s use of this packaging innovation is a world first in the beverage industry.

A PR Copy Doctor edit:

A. ‘Summer Certified’ cans exclusive to Canadian market

B. ‘Summer Certified’ cans exclusive to Canada

However, ‘only available in Canada’ would be better, as meaning of exclusive is unclear.

Placing the reference to cans first is ineffective. The real news is how they come to life. A better headline/subhead would be:

Six limited ‘Summer Certified’ Coors Light can designs come to life when exposed to sunlight

Innovative technology only available in Canada

In the original version, Coors Light, the product, isn’t even mentioned. Using the PR Writer’s Of Is and By techniques, the word count can be reduced by almost half.

Original lead

Coors Light has introduced the world’s first beer cans with sun activated ink technology exclusively to the Canadian market. Available nationwide, the Coors Light Summer Certified cans have six limited edition designs painted in photochromic ink that are nearly invisible until the cans are exposed to UV rays. The moment the cans are brought into sunlight, the vibrant colours of the designs are instantaneously revealed. Coors Light’s use of this packaging innovation is a world first in the beverage industry. (80 words)

PR Copy Doctor treatment

Coors Light has introduced Summer Certified, the world’s first beer with sun-activated photochromic ink that’s nearly invisible until cans are exposed to UV rays in sunlight, instantaneously revealing the design’s vibrant colours. Only available in Canada and a beverage industry first, there are six limited edition designs. (47 words).

@citizencanada @coorslightca

 

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

Leave a Reply