This one was somewhat like the proverbial shooting a fish in the barrel. Often copy emanating from Montreal is too easy to take apart. Yet there were so many basic and thoughtless errors, I had to chime in.
Nova Bus equips the city of Montreal with its first fully electric buses, a first in North America
MONTREAL, May 26, 2017 /CNW Telbec/ – Nova Bus is proud to announce that, since this week, Montreal is the first city in North America to put Nova Bus 100% electric buses in service. These buses were delivered by Nova Bus factories in Saint-Eustache and Saint-François-du-Lac, Québec, Canada. It is within the framework of the Montreal City Mobility project that three buses will circulate in order to continue the observations on this new electric bus operating in the city. These vehicles were acquired by the Société de transport de Montréal (STM) in accordance with a financial support from the Green Fund of the Government of Quebec. This project is a result of the Quebec Transport Electrification Action Plan 2015-2020. (119 words)
Let’s apply the essential lessons of “Of Is and By: How to be a better writer overnight.”
Nova Bus equips Montreal with first fully electric buses, a North American first
MONTREAL, May 26, 2017 /CNW Telbec/ -Montreal this week became the first in North America to put into service Nova Bus 100 per cent electric vehicles. Within the framework of the Montreal Mobility project, three buses will circulate, continuing the observations on electric bus operations. The Société de transport de Montréal (STM) acquired the vehicles with financial support from the Quebec Green Fund, as a result of the Quebec Transport Electrification Action Plan 2015-2020. The buses were delivered from Nova Bus factories in Saint-Eustache and Saint-François-du-Lac, Quebec. (87 words)
Rationale
Locations
In most instances, the city or province isn’t necessary, unless it’s to distinguish, for example, New York City from New York State. Here ‘city of Montreal’ becomes just Montreal. What else could it be?
Its or not?
In headline copy, always eliminate words. With ‘its first fully electric’ easily transforms to ‘with first fully electric.’
North America
A first in North America—easily changes to ‘a North American first.’ Shave every word you can.
Proud to announce?
I always tell #humberpr students the #1 mistake in news release writing is to say ‘proud to announce, pleased to announce.’ Why? Because being proud or happy is why you are releasing this news—it should be obvious. Never use this phrase.
As for the rest of it, I applied ‘Of Is and By’ suggestions, got rid of passive voices, and eliminated many excessive and unnecessary words.
If you want me to do this for you, don’t hesitate to ask: @rotmanprwriter.
