Reducing news release copy 39 per cent -from 140 to 94 words

A day in the life of Canada Newswire—July 19, 2017

#humberpr #medicalmarijuana #cannabis #prwriting

With the cannabis industry booming, there will be more news releases on the subject. To reach investor and consumer audiences, they need to be more concise, and this one clearly could be made shorter, easily removing 46 words from its bloated 140 words, reducing it 39 per cent to 94 words. Take a look at how applying CP style, basic editing and the PR Writer’s ‘Of Is and By’ technique makes it happen.

Original

Golden Leaf Announces Appointement of New Chief Executive Officer (9 words)

Revision

Golden Leaf Announces New CEO (5 words; eliminates spelling error)

Original

TORONTO, July 19, 2017 /CNW/ – Golden Leaf Holdings Ltd. (“GLH” or the “Company”) (CSE:GLH) (OTCQB:GLDFF), a leading cannabis oil solutions company built around recognized brands, announces the resignation of Don Robinson as its Chief Executive Officer and as a member of the board of directors. Mr. Robinson has resigned in order to pursue other interests. The Company is pleased to announce that William Simpson, the current President of GLH, has been appointed as the new Chief Executive Officer. (73 words)

Revision

Golden Leaf Holdings Ltd., (CSE:GLH) (OTCQB:GLDFF), a leading cannabis oil solutions company that markets the recognized Golden, Proper and Left Coast Connection brands, announced that Don Robinson has resigned as CEO and director and will pursue other interests. GLH’s president William Simpson has been appointed as the new CEO. (44 words)

Original

Mr. Gary Yeoman commented, “On behalf of the board of directors, I would like to thank Mr. Robinson for his contributions to the Company over the past 2 years.” (29 words)

Revision

On behalf of the board,” Gary Yeoman, a director, said, “I would like to thank Mr. Robinson for his contributions to GLH over the past two years.” (27 words)

Original

Mr. Simpson commented, “I am very excited about this opportunity to act as the Company’s CEO and I look forward to focusing on bringing cost efficiencies and streamlining the Company’s operations in an effort to increase shareholder value.” (38 words)

Revision

“I am very excited about this opportunity and look forward to bringing cost efficiencies, streamlining operations and increasing shareholder value,” Mr. Simpson added. (23 words)

The PR Writer’s comments

The headline: an inexcusable spelling error and ‘appointment of new chief executive officer’ is easily shortened to ‘announces new CEO.” The CEO would have to be appointed first, so the verb is unnecessary.

The lead: The stock symbol identifies the company and needn’t be repeated; ‘cannabis oil solutions’ could be shortened but is possibly important as a distinction; it talks about recognized brands without mentioning them, a promo opportunity missed; in CP style, Mr. is not used but later I left it in for clarity; ‘announces the resignation of Don Robinson as its Chief Executive Officer and as a member of the board of directors’ becomes ‘announced that Don Robinson has resigned as CEO and director and will pursue other interests.’

Paragraph two: Gary Yeoman is unidentified; a Google search turned up his identity and position; just saying a person commented (even if doing so on behalf of the board could imply being a director) leaves out essential information. Quotes should also be broken up unless they are a historical, notable comment.

Paragraph three: Quote is also broken up and ‘bringing cost efficiencies and streamlining the Company’s operations in an effort to increase shareholder value’ is reduced to ‘to bringing cost efficiencies, streamlining operations and increasing shareholder value,’ a series.

The PR Writer loves to improve and streamline writing—and can do it for you. Ask me about it: rotman-pr@rogers.com.

 

 

 

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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