Six ways to reduce a lead 17.3 per cent—from 75 to 62 words.

This release is decently well written and quite understandable, though it makes basic mistakes and can be more concise with PR Writer edits. Another day in the life of Canada Newswire…#HumberPR #copy @lionsgate

Original

LIONSGATE ANNOUNCES “THE WONDER CERTIFIED KIND CLASSROOM” EDUCATIONAL INITIATIVE

SANTA MONICA, Calif., and VANCOUVER, British Columbia, Aug. 9, 2017 /CNW/ — Lionsgate (NYSE: LGF.A, LGF.B) today announced the launch of the educational initiative THE WONDER CERTIFIED KIND CLASSROOM. The program is inspired by R.J. Palacio’s worldwide bestselling children’s novel and Lionsgate’s upcoming film Wonder, starring Academy Award® winner Julia Roberts, Jacob Tremblay and Owen Wilson, slated for release on November 17thWonder tells the heartwarming story of Auggie Pullman, a boy born with facial differences who can’t blend in because he was born to stand out. 75 words

PR Writer/Of Is and By edit

Lionsgate (NYSE: LGF.A, LGF.B) today launched THE WONDER CERTIFIED KIND CLASSROOM educational initiative, inspired by R.J. Palacio’s bestselling children’s novel, and Lionsgate’s upcoming film Wonder, starring Academy Award® winner Julia Roberts, Jacob Tremblay and Owen Wilson. Slated for release on November 17, Wonder tells Auggie Pullman’s heartwarming story; due to facial differences, he can’t blend in. He was born to stand out.  62 words

Commentary

  1. Today announced. The release covers the announcement; no need to mention it. ‘Today launched’ is much more direct.
  2. Of the educational initiative. Of course, get rid of ‘of,’ the basic lesson. ‘The classroom educational initiative’ is shorter and better.
  3. Is inspired by. Normally, I’d say get rid of ‘by,’ too. But making it the novel inspired it, more active, doesn’t work. Sometimes the passive voice must stand.
  4. Academy Award® No editor ever uses the ® mark but in the case of the Oscars® (which would be a shorter and identical use), the Motion Picture Academy rigorously enforces its trademark, so be careful.
  5. Slated for release/Nov. 17th. CP style mistake; it’s Nov. 17. Better to put in the period in after Owen Wilson. When in doubt add a period; it makes most sentences better. Had some desire to add IDs for Tremblay “Room” and Wilson but didn’t change it.
  6. Story of Auggie Pullman. Easy to get rid of the ‘of.’ Auggie Pullman’s story but the following part is confusing. It would have been sufficient to say ‘due to facial differences, he can’t blend in. Using the period, gives it an emphatic and contrasting last sentence. ‘He was born to stand out.’ Use periods. They really help.

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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