Shortening news releases isn’t the only goal–nine ways to clearer and more concise

Shortening news releases isn’t the only goal, making them clearer and more concise is an added benefit. In this release, the company the company made several grammatical, CP Style and punctuation errors, in addition to employing clichés and failing to emphasize the most important thoughts. ‘Of is and by’ can also be applied in spots. The edited points are in bold face. #Humberpr #PR #copywriting #multitouchdigital

Original

PRINCETON, ON, Aug. 24, 2017 /CNW/ – Multi Touch Digital Inc. announced today that it has entered into the interactive touch table industry with the release of the Touch Center™, their first product aimed at the consumer market. The Touch Center belongs to a new genre of home entertainment of “tech furniture”. It is an interactive touch computer system embedded in an attractive coffee table design, allowing up to 4 users to learn, work or play either together or independently, using innovative touch technology. “We are pleased to announce that we have successfully entered this market with an important partner, a major Canadian big box retailer,” said Bruce Seeley, President and CEO of Multi Touch Digital Inc. 110 words

PR Writer/Of is and by edit

Multi Touch Digital Inc. today released the Touch Centre™, its first product aimed at the consumer market, entering the company into the interactive touch table industry. Part of “tech furniture,” a new home entertainment genre, Touch Centre, an interactive touch computer system, is embedded in an attractive coffee table design. Up to four users can learn, work or play either together or independently, using innovative touch technology. “We have successfully entered this market with an important partner, a major Canadian big box retailer,” said Bruce Seeley, Multi Touch Digital Inc. President and CEO. “This will provide immediate widespread distribution for the product.” 96 words, without new quote added; 105 words in all.

Commentary

  1. Announced today – by issuing a release an announcement is implied; not necessary to say it.
  2. Entered into the interactive touch table industry – the news here is the system’s release, whether or not it joins a new industry
  3. The Touch Center™ – oddly enough, the company’s own website uses Canadian spelling – Centre – to describe the product (https://multitouchdigital.com/multi-touch-coffee-tables). Why American spelling in the news release?
  4. Their first product – the company is an ‘it.’ Their would either be a plural or reference to people.
  5. Part of “tech furniture,” – Apart from the incorrect CP Style quotation format, “, instead of ,” Placing tech furniture first in the sentence brings up the most important marketing message.
  6. Allowing up to 4 users – CP style calls for numbers under 10 to be spelled out. Splitting up the sentence also separates the ‘embedding’ how it will be used.
  7. “We are pleased to announce” – This remains the biggest cliché in PR writing, as one better be happy about new releases and partnerships. Starting with “We have successfully entered” brings out this thought.
  8. President and CEO of Multi Touch Digital – Shorter and better as “Bruce Seeley, Multi Touch Digital Inc. President and CEO.”
  9. “This will provide” – I added this quote to balance out the first part and explain why Multi-Touch is so pleased.

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s