Five ways to make it shorter and better: don’t bury the news

Another day in the life of newswire.ca

It’s wrong to bury the news, especially when a phrase like ‘for the first time’ appears. While economics is ‘the dismal science,” according to Thomas Carlyle, writing about it need not be. Take a look at these revisions and the reasons for them. It can be shortened somewhat and be more newsworthy with some simple changes. #humberpr @scotiabankecon @scotiabank #economics 

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Original

2017 Year of Synchronicity in Global Growth: Scotiabank Economics Global Outlook (11 words and a repeat)

TORONTO, Oct. 5, 2017 /CNW/ – Global growth is strengthening as policy stimulus in some advanced economies is unwound. This is a confirmation of the narrative building throughout the year, in which the sources of growth have been broadening across and within countries. (37 words)

“For the first time since the Global Financial Crisis (GFC), all 45 industrialised OECD countries are set to expand,” said Jean-François Perrault, Senior Vice President and Chief Economist at Scotiabank. “Given the breadth of growth geographically and its increasing diversity within countries, the foundation remains for solid global performance through at least 2018, though geopolitical risks continue to dominate.” (59 words)

The PR Writer/Of is and by edit

Synchronicity in 2017: Scotiabank Economics Global Growth Outlook (8 words)

TORONTO, Oct. 5, 2017 /CNW/ – Global growth, strengthening as policy stimulus in some advanced economies unwinds, confirms the narrative building throughout the year: all 45 industrialized OECD countries are expanding for the first time since the Global Financial Crisis (GFC). (35 words, with the news)

“Sources of growth have been broadening across and within countries,” said Jean-François Perrault, Scotiabank Senior Vice President and Chief Economist. “Given the breadth of growth geographically and its increasing diversity within countries, the foundation remains for solid global performance through at least 2018, though geopolitical risks continue to dominate.” (49 words)

Commentary

  1. Is strengthening… is unwound – Two uses of “is”: it’s almost a mortal sin in our lexicon, crying out for editing. See how commas help: ‘Global growth, strengthening as policy stimulus in some advanced economies unwinds…’“Strengthening” and “unwinds” are much stronger.
  2. In which – This sets off an editing alarm; it’s awkward in a lead that should be punchy. Note how the real news ‘For the first time’ is buried in a quote. Move the quote information to the lead and there is much more of a news story. “All 45 industrialized OECD countries are expanding for the first time since the Global Financial Crisis (GFC).”
  3. All 45 industrialised – CP Style prefers “z.” Analyzed, industrialized.
  4. Senior Vice President and Chief Economist at Scotiabank – Move the bank to the front: Scotiabank SVP and Chief Economist. Even saving one word counts.

 

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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