Eight ways to reduce a head, subhead and lead by almost 30 per cent–101 to 99 words

Another day in the life of newswire.ca. Interesting story but so redundant. 

Original head, subhead and lead

New Canada.ai platform showcases Canada’s global leadership in artificial intelligence

Built by NEXT Canada in collaboration with other top AI institutions, the site will serve as a hub for crucial AI news, developments and events 

TORONTO, Jan. 16, 2018 /CNW/ – A group of Canada’s top artificial intelligence institutions today launched Canada.ai, a web platform to showcase Canada’s leadership in the field of artificial intelligence. Canada.ai will serve as a hub of information about the research being done in Canada, the leading startups and companies in the AI space, and events happening across the country.

Canada is a world leader in the field of artificial intelligence, host to globally-recognized top AI researchers, institutions, and startup companies. In the years ahead some of the world’s most important AI stories and developments will be homegrown, and Canada.ai is the place to share them. 141 words

Of Is and By edit

New Canada.ai platform showcases global artificial intelligence leadership

NEXT Canada’s site, built in collaboration with top AI institutions, to serve as hub for crucial AI news, developments and events 

TORONTO, Jan. 16, 2018 /CNW/ – Canada’s leading artificial intelligence institutions today launched Canada.ai, showcasing the country’s leadership in this field. The web platform will serve as an information hub for Canadian research, the leading AI startups and companies plus events happening here.

Canada, a world artificial intelligence leader, hosts globally recognized AI researchers, institutions, and startups. Many important AI stories and developments will be homegrown, and shared at Canada.ai. (99 words, close to 30 per cent reduction)

Commentary

  1. ‘Global leadership in artificial intelligence’ – ‘global artificial intelligence leadership.’ Use headline-ese here.
  2. ‘Built by NEXT Canada in collaboration with other top AI institutions’ – ‘NEXT Canada’s site, built in collaboration with top AI institutions.’ A website must be built so make it active instead of passive and move the ‘built in collaboration’ with the other AI institutions. The site will serve – becomes ‘to service’ in another bit of headline copy implying the future.
  3. ‘A group of Canada’s top artificial intelligence institutions’ – ‘Canada’s leading artificial intelligence institutions.’ There isn’t a difference between ‘A group of’ and merely ‘Canada’s.’ The group is implied. ‘Top’ changed to ‘leading’: the lead should follow the headline but vary words.
  4. ‘Launched Canada.ai, a web platform to showcase Canada’s leadership in the field of artificial intelligence’ – ‘launched Canada.ai, showcasing the country’s leadership in this field.’ While I support the need to specify what a concept that are not widely understood but web addresses are in common usage, which is why we no longer writer www. before them. Really unwise to repeat the same words in a lead; ‘in this field’ clearly indicates artificial intelligence is the subject. This new structure allows a more active gerund: ‘showcasing.’
  5. ‘Hub of information’ – ‘information hub.’ Get rid of ‘of’ whenever possible.
  6. ‘Across the country’ – ‘Here.’ It’s shorter.
  7. Canada is a world leader in the field of artificial intelligence, host to globally-recognized top AI researchers, institutions, and startup companies – ‘Canada, a world artificial intelligence leader, hosts globally recognized AI researchers, institutions, and startups.’ It’s ‘artificial intelligence field,’ without the ‘of.’ ‘Is’ can be eliminated easily. Adverbs are not compounds; the hyphen is incorrect. It’s ‘globally recognized.’ Just ‘startups’; companies are redundant
  8. ‘In the years ahead some of the world’s most important AI stories and developments will be homegrown, and Canada.ai is the place to share them’ – ‘Many important AI stories and developments will be homegrown, and shared at Canada.ai.’ ‘Will be homegrown’ indicates the future, so ‘in the years ahead’ can be cut. ‘Canada.ai’ is a place so avoid repeating ‘the place.’ ‘Will be homegrown, and shared at Canada.ai.’

Just 141 words but there are eight major changes. Everybody does need an editor.

@canadadotai #artificialintelligence #humberpr #ryersonrta #copy #pr

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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