From 91 to 72 words, a 20 per cent reduction, and shorter headlines too

Open Table, a service I admire and often use, provides much-needed dining out efficiency. Applying the Of Is and By writing system to its news release achieves the same meaning with fewer words, making it easier and shorter to read. In this example, with a 91 to 72 word reduction, many extraneous words fall away easily. Take a look.  #opentable100 #humberpr #PR #copy

Original

Toronto and Montreal Claim Highest Number of Restaurants with Bustling Bar Scenes, Entertainment and Ambience (15 words)

TORONTO, March 21, 2018 /CNW/ – It’s been a long winter. Now that spring is here, Canadians are preparing to pack away the winter boots and step back into the nightlife. To guide them to the latest buzzing spots for a night out, OpenTable, the world’s leading provider of online restaurant reservations and part of Bookings Holdings, Inc. (NASDAQ:  BKNG), has announced the 100 Best Restaurants in Canada for a Big Night Out. These awards reflect the combined opinions of more than 550,000 restaurant reviews submitted by verified OpenTable diners for more than 2,500 restaurants in Canada. 91 words

Of Is and By edit

Toronto and Montreal: most restaurants with bustling bar scenes, entertainment and ambience (12 words and CP Style lower case letters)

TORONTO, March 21, 2018 /CNW/ – It’s been a long winter. Now that spring is here, Canadians are packing away winter boots and stepping out. For a guide to the latest buzzy night spots, OpenTable, the world’s leading online restaurant reservations provider, part of Bookings Holdings, Inc. (NASDAQ:  BKNG), has announced the 100 Best Canadian Restaurants for a Big Night Out. The awards reflect verified OpenTable diners’ combined opinions from more than 550,000 reviews covering 2,500 Canadian restaurants. 72 words

Here are the  comparisons, demonstrating the key edits.

  1. Canadians are preparing to pack away the winter boots
  2. Canadians are packing away winter boots

Putting away boots is pretty simple, doesn’t require much preparation. Using ‘the’ is unnecessary too.

  1. And step back into the nightlife
  2. Stepping out

Spring does encourage more going out but it’s not only nightlife, which is misleading, too, with its sense of nightclubs and bars. Restaurants operate at other times; stepping out keeps the idea generic covering day and night.

  1. To guide them to the latest buzzing spots for a night out
  2. For a guide to the latest buzzy night spots

‘Them’ is not necessary and the spots themselves don’t buzz; they are buzzy. ‘The latest buzzy night spots’ accomplishes much more in fewer words.

  1. The world’s leading provider of online restaurant reservations
  2. The world’s leading online restaurant reservations provider

‘Of’ is easily eliminated.

  1. Has announced the 100 Best Restaurants in Canada for a Big Night Out
  2. Has announced the 100 Best Canadian Restaurants for a Big Night Out

Watch the word ‘in,’ as it’s a sign of something that can turn into a modifier…in Canada/Canadian.

  1. These awards reflect the combined opinions of more than 550,000 restaurant reviews submitted by verified OpenTable diners for more than 2,500 restaurants in Canada. 25 words
  2. The awards reflect verified OpenTable diners’ combined opinions from more than 550,000 reviews covering 2,500 Canadian restaurants. 18 words

Reducing from 25 to 18 words (or 28 per cent) helps but more importantly the superfluous words ‘of, submitted, by, for and in’ are all how the Of Is and By system can help improve most copy.  

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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