It would be easy to say: what are they smoking but in addition to the word reductions, there are many extra words, redundancies and passive voices. Look how it can be cleaned up. #humberpr @canopygrowth #marijuana #copy
Original
SMITHS FALLS, ON, Sept. 18, 2017 /CNW/ – Canopy Growth Corporation (TSX: WEED) (“Canopy Growth” or the “Company”) is proud to introduce Spectrum Cannabis to the Canadian medical cannabis market.
The new Canadian brand identity, already launched in several jurisdictions around the world, is a progression of the Mettrum Spectrum and is inspired by the industry-first strain classification system which simplifies the dialogue around strength and dosage by categorizing medical cannabis according to THC and CBD levels, using a straightforward colour-coded guide. (52 words in one sentence). In place since 2014 under the Mettrum brand, the Spectrum has been well received by the medical community and equally adopted by customers who regularly shop by Spectrum. The rebranding of Mettrum Health to Spectrum Cannabis in Canada is the natural progression of this methodology and will ensure a consistent and recognizable global brand across all federally legal jurisdictions where Canopy Growth operates. (137 words)
The PR Writer/Of is and by edit
SMITHS FALLS, ON, Sept. 18, 2017 /CNW/ – Canopy Growth Corporation (TSX: WEED) (“Canopy Growth” or the “Company”) has introduced Spectrum Cannabis, the industry-first colour-coded strain classification system, to the Canadian medical cannabis market.
Already launched in several international jurisdictions, Spectrum Cannabis, building on the Mettrum Spectrum, simplifies the dialogue around strength and dosage, categorizing medical cannabis according to THC and CBD levels. The medical community and regular Spectrum customers have both adopted the system, in place in Canada since 2014 under the Mettrum brand. With Mettrum’s rebranding as Spectrum Cannabis, this methodology’s natural progression will ensure consistency and awareness in all jurisdictions where Canopy Growth operates. (99 words)
Commentary
- Proud to introduce Spectrum Cannabisto the Canadian medical cannabis market – Apart from making the #1 PR mistake, ‘proud to introduce,’ which is obvious since a news release is being issued, this is a missed opportunity to explain Spectrum Cannabis. Better to say:
Canopy Growth Corporation has introduced Spectrum Cannabis, the industry-first colour-coded strain classification system, to the Canadian medical cannabis market.
- Launched in several jurisdictions around the world – ‘Around the world’ can usually be said in one word, global or international. Here ‘international’ is clearer and more accurate; it’s not apparently global yet. In addition, the sentence itself is 52 words, too lengthy for a news release. Break it up:
Already launched in several international jurisdictions, Spectrum Cannabis, building on the Mettrum Spectrum, simplifies the dialogue around strength and dosage, categorizing medical cannabis according to THC and CBD levels.
- Well received by… equally adopted by… shop by Spectrum – Three passive voices in one sentence! I can hear the Humber College faculty choking on this. Try this:
The medical community and regular Spectrum customers have both adopted the system, in place in Canada since 2014 under the Mettrum brand.
- The rebranding of Mettrum Health… of this methodology – Don’t forget to eliminate ‘of’ where possible. “With Mettrum Health’s rebranding” and ‘this methodology’s natural progression.’
- Will ensure a consistent and recognizable global brand across all federally legal jurisdictions – Works better as: ‘consistency and awareness in all jurisdictions where Canopy Growth operates.’ ‘Federally legal’ is redundant. The company wouldn’t be operating it if were not legal, anywhere and not all jurisdictions would be federal – jurisdictions is description enough.
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