Too much time to get to the news — 79 words to 62, nearly 22 per cent reduction

It’s bad enough that video peers into Texas schools but this dreadful news release wastes money, as it takes so much time to get to the news. No one but no one, particularly an overworked editor, will ever read through the 57 words of stultifying company explanations before the announcement. In the edit, company descriptions are shortened greatly, with word repetitions (a leading provider/ the leading global provider) eliminated. Then the actual news is reduced from 27 words to 21. The lead is then reduced from 79 words to 62, a nearly 22 per cent reduction. #humberpr #surveillance #copy #prwriting #cloud

Original

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. and AUSTIN, Texas, Jan. 19, 2018 /CNW/ — Hikvision USA, Inc., a leading provider of artificial intelligence, machine learning, robotics and other emerging technologies, and the world’s largest manufacturer of video surveillance products and solutions, and Eagle Eye Networks, the leading global provider of cloud-based video surveillance solutions addressing the needs of businesses, schools, alarm companies, security integrators, and individuals, today announced a video surveillance solution that enables Texas school districts to immediately comply with the video surveillance requirements set forth in Texas Senate Bill 507 (SB-507). 79 words

PR Writer/Of Is and By edit

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. and AUSTIN, Texas, Jan. 19, 2018 /CNW/ — Hikvision USA, Inc., and Eagle Eye Networks, today announced a video surveillance solution enabling Texas school districts to comply immediately with Texas Senate Bill 507’s video surveillance requirements. The world’s largest video surveillance manufacturer, Hikvision also provides artificial intelligence, machine learning, robotics and other emerging technologies. Eagle Eye’s cloud-based video surveillance solutions serve businesses, schools, alarm companies, security integrators, and individuals globally. 62 words, nearly 22 per cent reduction

For commentary on how it was done, The key: four ways it was done

 

More from the Grey Lady edits:

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Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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