PR Writer’s puzzling news release of the day: four edits

What a puzzle, and from marketing pros. Buries the news; uses passive voices, does not make a dull topic interesting, which is what it should. Here is how applying Of Is and By turns it around – the PR Writer.

Original

While most read parts of privacy policies, many admit they do not read them at all

TORONTO, Jan. 25, 2018 /CNW/ – In a study commissioned and guided by the Canadian Marketing Association (CMA)’s Privacy and Data Advisory Committee, it was found that consumers want to read privacy policies, but they have to be user-friendly.

Edit

Most Canadians don’t read privacy policies, many read only parts, study says

Consumers would read user-friendly privacy policies, but find privacy policies them too long and difficult to understand, according to a new Canadian Marketing Association (CMA)’s Privacy and Data Advisory Committee study. One quarter admit they don’t read policies at all, the study said.

Commentary

  1. Many admit they do not read them at all — this is really the news; it’s obvious that most would not. They’re boring and who cares?
  2. In a study commissioned and guided by — starting with a passive voice is a no-no. Not sure of the difference between ‘commissioned’ and ‘guided by.’ If you commission it, you are guiding it.
  3. It was found that consumers want to read privacy policies – this is also a passive. Two in one lead; not quite a record but almost.
  4. The news doesn’t come until deep in the second paragraph:  “It identified that while most Canadians say they read parts of privacy policies, one quarter admit they don’t read policies at all…” ‘One quarter admit’ is the news. Also ‘It identified that’ can be eliminated as can most other ‘it’ clauses…it seems that, I think that. And that’s today’s Of Is and By/PR Writer comments.

#humberpr #pr #copy #cndmarketing

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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