The sin of dullness and missing detail

This news release, not that badly written, commits the sin of dullness, and missing detail. Of Is and By didn’t reduce many words, just made it more interesting. News sense means everything. #mattamy #copy #pr #humberpr

Original

EDMONTON, March 5, 2018 /CNW/ – Mattamy Homes, North America’s largest privately owned homebuilder, will host a lively grand-opening event on Saturday, March 10, to showcase Stillwater, the company’s first master-planned community in the City of Edmonton.

Additional detail in release’s last paragraph:

‘To tour the new sales centre and seven fully decorated model homes, as well as enjoy food trucks and family entertainment…Embraces the nature around it, mixing parks, trails and green space. The highlight is a naturalized wetland area that is strategically paired with a storm pond.’

Edit

Mattamy Homes, North America’s largest privately owned homebuilder, will host a lively grand-opening event on Saturday, March 10, including food trucks and family entertainment, to showcase Stillwater, its first Edmonton master-planned community. With a highlighted naturalized wetland area, strategically paired with a storm pond, Stillwater embraces surrounding nature, mixing parks, trails and green space.

Commentary

  1. A lively grand opening event – It doesn’t say much, and doesn’t attract the reader. What is lively? Why should we attend? Note how the detail from the last paragraph makes it more interesting: ‘including food trucks and family entertainment.’
  2. Community in the City of Edmonton – an essential Of Is and By rule is ‘eliminate unnecessary geographical designations, like ‘City of.’ Edmonton, unmistakably a city, can be moved in front of ‘master-planned,’ with ‘company’ eliminated. Better as: ‘its first Edmonton master-planned community.’

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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