This news release displays several significant errors: it bases the story on the Jets’ local whiteout tradition but fails to explain to outsiders that it means dressing in white to support the team; there are also many unnecessary extra words, especially ‘for, in and of.’ The headline indicates that there is white involved but the subhead and lead do not.
Original headline
Pizza Pizza trades iconic orange for white to celebrate home sl-ice advantage for Jets in Winnipeg(16 words)
PR Writer Edit
Pizza Pizza iconic orange turns white to celebrate Winnipeg Jets home sl-ice advantage (13 words)
Comment
‘Iconic orange turns white’ works better than ‘trades iconic orange for white’ as it eliminates the ‘for,’ saving a word, and is more active – ‘turns’ instead of ‘trades.’ Of course, Winnipeg Jets is far superior to ‘Jets in Winnipeg.’ Concise counts in headlines.
Original subhead: Canadian company joins in age old tradition as a proud partner of the Winnipeg Jets
The subhead is confusing and somewhat obscure. Unless you are from Winnipeg, the ‘age-old’ tradition is meaningless. It dates from 1987 so is hardly ‘age-old’ anyway. ‘Proud partner of the Winnipeg Jets’ easily becomes ‘proud Winnipeg Jets partner,’ easily eliminating ‘of.’ Canadian company not exactly necessary when it is identified above but I’d leave it because marketers here like to stress Canadian origins, as if that stops someone from patronizing competitors.
Even in news releases, the journalistic practice of avoiding misunderstandings is essential here; this subhead is longer but clearer:
Canadian company and proud Winnipeg Jets partner turns stores white to be part of local dressing-in-white hockey tradition
Original lead
Go Jets Go! As the Winnipeg Jets get set to host their first home game as part of the 2019 NHL playoffs, proud partner, Pizza Pizza, is already displaying tremendous signs of team spirit in the local community by participating in the tradition of the Winnipeg Whiteout. With 12 restaurants across Winnipeg, Pizza Pizza has been a household staple for Winnipeggers since 2009 and understands what gets the community excited; a huge part of that is the love for the Winnipeg Jets. 82 words
PR Writer Edit
Go Jets Go! As the Winnipeg Jets host their first NHL 2019 playoff home game, proud partner Pizza Pizza is already displaying tremendous local team spirit by participating in the Winnipeg Whiteout tradition. With 12 arearestaurants trading orange for white colors, Pizza Pizza, a Winnipeg household staple since 2009, and understands how much the love for the Jets excites the community. 65 words
Eliminating 17 words from the lead and keeping the same meaning demonstrates the corpulence of the first version. Some word pairs, with the original first:
1. Get set to host…host
2. Their first home game as part of the 2019 NHL playoffs… their first NHL 2019 playoff home game
3. Tremendous signs of team spirit in the local community… tremendous local team spirit
4. By participating in the tradition of the Winnipeg Whiteout… by participating in the Winnipeg Whiteout tradition
5. With 12 restaurants across Winnipeg, Pizza Pizza has been a household staple for Winnipeggers since 2009… With 12 arearestaurants trading orange for white colors, Pizza Pizza, a Winnipeg household staple since 2009
- Essentially, it’s careless and amateurish. No two ways about it.
