When 57 words can be reduced to 43, nearly 25 per cent – and mean the same thing – then there is clearly something careless about the original. As it’s also about job losses and other crucial information, then it’s particularly heedless to bury the news, as this release does. Look at the changes—and how the PR Tools were changed to highlight the news

Original Headline and lead

Lowe’s Canada’s update on rumours about its information technology department

BOUCHERVILLE, QC, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW Telbec/ – Given the rumours currently circulating in some Quebec media that are unduly worrying numerous employees at the organization’s head office on the South Shore of Montreal, Lowe’s Canada wishes to clarify the following facts: contrary to what some Quebec media are claiming, there is no plan to transfer 200 information technology jobs from Longueuil to Bangalore, India. 57 words

Better PR Writer edit

Lowe’s Canada rumour update: no plan to transfer 200 information technology jobs

The news is carried in this headline.

BOUCHERVILLE, QC, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW Telbec/ – Lowe’s Canada wishes to clarify the following facts: there is no plan to transfer 200 information technology jobs from Longueuil to Bangalore, India, contrary to rumours in Quebec media that are unduly worrying numerous employees at the organization’s South Shore Montreal head office. 43 words

Comments

A. Given the rumours currently circulating

B. Lowe’s Canada wishes to clarify

Credit where credit is due: my father, Morris B. Rotman, a PR pioneer, would always say ‘don’t’ start on a negative.’ Here there is important news, jobs won’t be lost and the company wastes 42 words before it gets to the important information: ‘there is no plan to transfer…jobs.’ 

In addition, giving credibility to rumours is poor PR thinking.

A. Circulating in some Quebec media that are unduly worrying numerous employees at the organization’s head office

B. Contrary to rumours in Quebec media that are unduly worrying numerous employees

‘Circulating in some Quebec media’ is the same as ‘rumours in Quebec media.’ The media mention implies circulation, so it’s an unnecessary word. 

A. Organization’s head office on the South Shore of Montreal

B. The organization’s South Shore Montreal head office

This a basic Better Writer lesson. Move South Shore to before head office, following the book’s tip to eliminate ‘to, for and on’ and locations (in Chicago, in Montreal and particularly ‘located’ in some place. And, if there is an ‘of,’ try to get rid of it. ‘Finally, at the end the phrase ‘no plan to transfer’ is revealed. No…put it at the beginning.