Two passives in one lead, that’s a record: six ways to reduce 44 to 36 words

Another day in the life of newswire.ca

#JTI-Mcdonald #humberPR #copy #ryersonpr

This one, a major embarrassment for Of Is and By fans, not only hides the sponsor’s identity—a tobacco company—but it also uses a record two passive voices in the lead, and 44 words are easily to 36. The first research finding is pretty sloppy too, with three word repeats in one sentence. finding

Original
MISSISSAUGA, ON /CNW/ – A new study by Forum Research shows Canadians believe requiring plain packaging for cigarettes is an unnecessary waste of government resources. The research, commissioned by JTI, comes at a time when Canadians are concerned about the regulation of controlled substances. The research found that: 44 words

Eight out of ten Canadians (81%) believe that ‘Branding on products matters as it gives consumers information about a product and helps distinguish one product from another.’ 27 words

The PR Writer/Of Is and By edit

MISSISSAUGA, ON /CNW/ – A new Forum Research study shows Canadians believe requiring plain cigarette packaging wastes government resources unnecessarily, according to JTI-Macdonald Corp., which commissioned the study. As Canadians are concerned about regulating controlled substances, the research found that: (36 words)

Commentary

1. A new study by Forum Research – Passive voice #1 and it becomes “A new Forum Research study.” Not crazy about ‘shows’ but it does eliminate needing a ‘that.’

2. Plain packaging for cigarettes – ‘plain cigarette packaging.’

3. About regulation of controlled substances – ‘about regulating controlled substances’

4. By JTI – the full name is JTI-Macdonald Corp and it’s Japan Tobacco’s international tobacco division. It begs the question: who is JTI? And it’s passive #2.

5. Comes at a time when Canadians are concerned – ‘As Canadians are concerned.’See how sentences were restructured to make this work better.

6. ‘Branding on products matters as it gives consumers information about a product and helps distinguish one product from another.’ — ‘Branding on products matters as it gives consumers information and helps distinguish one from another.’

If your copy or website is tried and you’d like it punched up, edited, rewritten, give us a shout: rotman-pr@rogers.com.

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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