Four ways the Jan. 19 news release became shorter–the key.

Original

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. and AUSTIN, Texas, Jan. 19, 2018 /CNW/ — Hikvision USA, Inc., a leading provider of artificial intelligence, machine learning, robotics and other emerging technologies, and the world’s largest manufacturer of video surveillance products and solutions, and Eagle Eye Networks, the leading global provider of cloud-based video surveillance solutions addressing the needs of businesses, schools, alarm companies, security integrators, and individuals, today announced a video surveillance solution that enables Texas school districts to immediately comply with the video surveillance requirements set forth in Texas Senate Bill 507 (SB-507). 79 words

Edit

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. and AUSTIN, Texas, Jan. 19, 2018 /CNW/ — Hikvision USA, Inc., and Eagle Eye Networks, today announced a video surveillance solution enabling Texas school districts to comply immediately with Texas Senate Bill 507’s video surveillance requirements. The world’s largest video surveillance manufacturer, Hikvision also provides artificial intelligence, machine learning, robotics and other emerging technologies. Eagle Eye’s cloud-based video surveillance solutions serve businesses, schools, alarm companies, security integrators, and individuals globally. 62 words, nearly 22 per cent reduction

The key: 

  1. A leading provider/ the leading global provider – This phrase is often used when a company doesn’t want to give itself an industry ranking—largest provider, number three provider. If the organization is indeed the world’s largest, then say so as this release does. Otherwise it’s only self-applied corporate bumpf.
  2.  The world’s largest manufacturer of video surveillance products and solutions — The world’s largest video surveillance manufacturer. Here the ‘of’ is removed and as it’s a throw away clause anyway, it was moved to the sentence’s beginning.
  3. The leading global provider of cloud-based video surveillance solutions addressing the needs of — Eagle Eye’s cloud-based video surveillance solutions serve businesses…Using the possessive here gets rid of several words (Eagle Eye’s) and ‘addressing the needs of’ becomes simply serves; the meaning is the same.
  4. That enables Texas school districts to immediately comply with the video surveillance requirements set forth in Texas Senate Bill 507 (SB-507) — enabling Texas school districts to comply immediately with Texas Senate Bill 507’s video surveillance requirements.

Avoiding split infinitives ‘to immediately comply’ has gone out of style but here ‘to comply immediately’ is stronger. A possessive again comes to the rescue with ‘Bill 507’s video surveillance requirements.’ That eliminates ‘set forth’ and the strange repeat of Bill 507 and the Bill number.

#humberpr #surveillance #copy #prwriting #cloud

 

 

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

3 thoughts

  1. I assume your focus in this post is length, but length is not the only criterion to consider. The most effective thing you did in that edit was to put the actual news at the beginning rather than at the end.

    Like

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