In this news release from the Israeli EMS organization @unitedhatzalah, there is missing clarity and befuddling structure as well as grammatical and punctuation mistakes. The admirable philanthropist @milesnadal, normally known for attention to detail, which I can attest to from having worked on a writing project with him, let a few blunders pass here. The originals, with questionable parts underlined, and edits follow:
International Philanthropist Miles S Nadal, Dedicates Major Section of Building For Israeli EMS Organization Friends of United Hatzalah 18 words
The name is unclear and the words are piled up in the original headline. United Hatzalah is the organization’s official name, and it is an important and helpful EMS organization; ‘Friends of’ is the charity; the donation benefited the organization’s building. In his Peerage Capital website, Nadal’s middle initial is correctly marked with a period—why not here?
PR Writer Edit
International Philanthropist Miles S. Nadal, Dedicates Major Section of Building for United Hatzalah, Israeli EMS Organization 16 words
TORONTO, May 21, 2019 /CNW/ — Renowned International Philanthropist Miles S Nadal and his Family, who previously donated 10 ambucycles to Israel’s national volunteer EMS organization United Hatzalah, has now donated the new Miles S Nadal Family Square outside the organization’s Jerusalem headquarters. The organization uses the Beautiful Garden for all of its vehicle dedications that take place in Jerusalem. 54 words
- The lack of punctuation in the middle initial is repeated.
- ‘Family’ by itself is not a proper noun, so no capital needed.
- ‘Donated’ is repeated twice in the lead, an unpardonable word repeat—be careful!
- Where there is a specific space, like the ‘Family Square,’ a proper noun is warranted.
- Assuming that the Beautiful Garden is what the area’s called, I’d keep the capital letters
- It’s not necessary to repeat Jerusalem as it’s already been identified as the location; ‘there’ is sufficient, as a second reference.
PR Writer Edit: lead and first paragraph
TORONTO, May 21, 2019 /CNW/ — Renowned International Philanthropist Miles S Nadal and his family, having previously donated 10 ambucycles to Israel’s national volunteer EMS organization United Hatzalah, has now provided the new Miles S Nadal Family Square outside the organization’s Jerusalem headquarters. It will be used for vehicle dedications taking place there. 48 words
Second paragraph original
Mr. Nadal is a Toronto native who resides in The Bahamas. He was born in 1958 to a family of modest means and is now a renown International Entrepreneur, Industrialist, and Philanthropist. 32 words
- As readers of this blog (and my Better Writer book) know, it strongly recommends eliminating ‘is’ as an unnecessary word. Here it’s repeated twice.
- ‘He was born in 1958’ can be easily shortened to ‘Born in 1958.’
- ‘Renown’ is either a grammatical effort or typo; in either case it’s ‘renowned.’
- Capitalizing ‘International Entrepreneur etc.’ is technically incorrect, as these words are not proper nouns but for the purposes of heralding Nadal’s notable philanthropic act, I’d let them go.
PR Writer Edit
Born in 1958 to a family of modest means, Mr. Nadal, a Toronto native residing in The Bahamas, has become a renowned International Entrepreneur, Industrialist, and Philanthropist.