PR Tools: A whopping 36 per cent reduction in one news release lead

When 36 per cent – or from 75 to 48 words – can be removed from a news release, without changing the meaning, then Better PR Writer alarm bells ring, and the editing PR Tools must be deployed right away. To the rescue! 

Original lead

SEATTLE, Oct. 28, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — BestyBesty.com, has announced the launch of its official website, providing consumers access to in-depth reports on various products. The website has been developed from the ground up with a strong focus on the consumer’s experience when looking for the best product in a specific category. From the easy navigation system to the wide range of product reviews, BestyBesty.com aims to go beyond what a simple review site usually offers, by really putting the visitor first. 75 words

Better PR Writer Edit

SEATTLE, Oct. 28, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — BestyBesty.com’s new official website, providing consumers access to in-depth product reports, has been developed with a strong focus on the consumer seeking a specific category’s best product. From the easy navigation to numerous product reviews, BestyBesty.com moves beyond a simple review site: it really puts the visitor first. (48 words)

Commentary and A/B Better PR Writer edits

A. BestyBesty.com has announced the launch of its official website

B. BestyBesty.com’s new official website

It’s a puzzling mistake, often seen: ‘announced the launch’ is why the news release is being written and it’s redundant to say. Compress the two ideas together. 

A. providing consumers access to in-depth reports on various products

B. providing consumers access to in-depth product reports

‘Various’ should be on the writer’s ‘immediate edit’ list. The sentence is mostly the same, except ‘products’ is moved before ‘in depth’ and various is deleted; the plural usage, denoting a series, covers the idea of ‘various.’  

The website has been developed from the ground up

There is no A/B edit here, as it’s irrelevant. To the consumer, whether it’s a modification or new build isn’t important. It’s whether it delivers a satisfying, effective experience. Describing what the company went through isn’t important at all. It’s like saying ‘your vehicle took 100 hours to build’ and the driver says, ‘Yeah and it still is a lemon.’ In other words, get to the point. 

A. with a strong focus on the consumer’s experience when looking for the best product in a specific category

B. with a strong focus on the consumer seeking a specific category’s best product

This might be too reductive for some but it does mean the same. There are just too many words.

  • The writer understands Better PR Writer tips about using the glorious possessive apostrophe – ‘consumer’s experience.’
  • However, a ‘focus on the consumer’ implies that the experience is involved, too.
  • ‘When looking for’ can be easily replaced with ‘seeking’ and ‘for the best product’ becomes ‘a specific category’s best product,’ avoiding ‘for the best product in a specific category,’ which is just too many words. 

A. From the easy navigation system to the wide range of product reviews

B. From the easy navigation to numerous product reviews

  • ‘System’ is a word like ‘experience’ that acts like a crutch. If there is ‘easy navigation,’ then it is by its nature a ‘system.’ Delete words like that.  
  • ‘Wide range’ is somewhat mushy; it isn’t specific. ‘Numerous’ or ‘many’ works better as a replacement. 

A. aims to go beyond what a simple review site usually offers, by really putting the visitor first

B. moves beyond a simple review site: it really puts the visitor first

  • A colon does the job, resulting in reducing 17 to 12 words.
  • If there is ‘a simple review’ site then it is offering something so why add ‘usually offers.’
  • A hidden redundancy. ‘by really putting the visitor first’ is compressed, after the all-powerful colon to: ‘it really puts the visitor first.’ 

As the scourge of the PR newswires, it amazes me that a simple news release lead with 75 words, not only can be reduced so much, but also requires so many changes and comments. If I were the editor, I might not be explaining so much. As a Humber College prof, I would sit next to students and vocally review copy like this but explaining it in writing is another level of direction. 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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