Part I:
In this news release, there are opportunities for making the headlines and lead much shorter and more concise. There are also ways to take better advantage of the news. Take a look.
Headline
Couldn’t Say “I do?” Canadian Wineries Invite Couples to Exchange Vows in the Vineyard (14 words)
Later, in a subhead, the date is identified; make it timely — add it to the headline:
Original headline
Couldn’t Say “I do?” Canadian Wineries Invite Couples to Exchange Vows in the Vineyard Aug. 1
Better PR Writer edit
Couldn’t Say “I do?” Canadian Wineries Invite Couples to Exchange Vineyard Vows Aug. 1 (12 words)
Commentary
Words like ‘in’ always indicate a shorter construction is possible, especially in headlines, where the style is more flexible.
- Move ‘vineyard’ in front of vows and it eliminates ‘in the vineyard.’
- The date could be added too, as later Aug. 1 is identified as the event’s date.
Next, there is a way to shorten this headline and make it much more newsworthy.
‘Couldn’t say I do’ is a cliché requiring punctuation, slowing down the read (an important consideration). COVID is what’s news, the reason altered weddings are happening. Here are alternate headlines that combines and links both thoughts.
A. COVID Nuptials? Canadian Couples Exchange Vineyards Vows (7 words)
B. COVID Nuptials? Canadian Couples Exchange Vineyards Vows Aug. 1
There is also a subhead, adding the date, which really belongs in the headline. Subheads are somewhat out of style and maybe this one was added to carry the date. Here are two versions, which really aren’t that necessary.
Original subhead
All-inclusive “minimony” packages on August 1 will see couples safely wed amid stunning backdrops and toast with local wines
‘On’ is another word like ‘in,’ mentioned above that’s a sign for moving the words it introduces; move it in front of ‘minimony’ and ‘on’ is gone!
Better PR Writer edit
All-inclusive August 1 “minimony” packages: couples toast with local wines, safely wed amid stunning backdrops
In addition, the redoubtable colon again saves this headline, as it has influenced many others, eliminating four words.
The lead will be covered in Part II next week.
