Lead ignores headline, and both can be shortened from 15 to 9 words and 48 to 41 words

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As much as I support this important project, this release violates a fundamental news release principle—the lead ignores the headline. The lead should recapitulate the headline, which it does not do until the third paragraph.  #reddayfriday #humberpr #PR

 Original headline

MANULIFE TO EXTEND SUPPORT OF REDDAY BY MATCHING CONTRIBUTIONS DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR, UP TO $200,000 15 words

Of Is and By edit

MANULIFE EXTENDS REDDAY SUPPORT, MATCHING CONTRIBUTIONS, UP TO $200,000 9 words

Extends implies the future equally well as ‘to extend.’ RedDAY support instead of ‘support of RedDAY eliminates ‘of.’ ‘Matching contributions’ shortens the headline and eliminates the unnecessary ‘dollar for dollar.’

The lead

Original

WATERLOO REGION, ON, May 4, 2018 /CNW/ – Each year, St. Mary’s General Hospital Foundation hosts RedDAY to raise awareness of the serious risk of heart disease in women, rallying people, workplaces and community leaders from across Waterloo Region to mark the day by wearing red and sharing images on social media with the hashtag #RedDayFriday. 48 words

 Of Is and By Edit

WATERLOO REGION, ON, May 4, 2018 /CNW/ – St. Mary’s General Hospital Foundation’s annual RedDAY raises awareness of female heart disease, a serious risk, rallying people, workplaces and community leaders across Waterloo Region to mark the day by wearing red and sharing social media images with the hashtag #RedDayFriday. 41 words

Second Paragraph

Original

Heart disease is the leading cause of death among Canadian women. Every year, heart disease claims the lives of roughly 25,000 women – more than the five most prevalent cancers combined. Yet surprisingly, many women are still unaware of the contributing risk factors, and their ability to control them through everyday lifestyle choices. 52 words

Of Is and By Edit

Heart disease, a leading cause of death, annually claims roughly 25,000 women’s lives – more than the five most prevalent cancers combined. Yet surprisingly, many are still do not know the contributing risk factors, and how to control them through everyday lifestyle choices. 42 words

Third paragraph

This is where the headline is mentioned.

A. Manulife has supported RedDAY since its inception in 2013. This year, Manulife will extend its support to match every donation made to RedDAY, up to $200,000.

 When the support started is extraneous. The paragraph should start with Manulife’s support; it’s the news and extends the headline. The information can be combined.

B. This year, Manulife, in its fifth year supporting RedDAY, will match every donation made up to $200,000.

 

Author: rotmanprwriter

PRWriter, Copy Doctor, Humber College PR and writing Prof

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