In this commentary, look at how the use of ‘you’ to address the reader is unnecessary and can easily be eliminated without changing meaning. Getting rid of ‘of’ also takes out some flabbiness in this release. The original lead is broken down with #1 as the original and #2 the Of Is and By edit. #sunlifeca #mentalhealth #humberpr
Original Lead
TORONTO, May 16, 2018 /CNW/ – Whether or not you have experienced it first-hand, mental illness has touched someone you know. It’s an invisible illness that impacts the lives of half (49%) of all Canadians. More than one-third (37%) have suffered from anxiety; and 3 out of 10 (30%) report having dealt with depression. These numbers are part of Sun Life Financial’s recent national survey that asked Canadians about their experiences with mental health. 68 words
- Whether or not you have experienced it first-hand, mental illness has touched someone you know
- Even if not experienced first-hand, mental illness touches everyone.
Eliminates the word ‘you’ twice; ‘touches everyone’ includes someone that is known.
- It’s an invisible illness that impacts the lives of half (49%) of all Canadians.
- Although invisible, it impacts half (49%) of all Canadians.
Illness has already been mentioned, and ‘the lives of half of all Canadians’ is very flabby; ‘impacts half of all Canadians’ covers the concept ‘lives.’
- More than one-third (37%) have suffered from anxiety; and 3 out of 10 (30%) report having dealt with depression.
- More than one-third (37%) suffer from anxiety and 30 per cent have combatted depression, according to Sun Life Financial’s recent national survey of Canadian mental health experiences.
The public is intelligent enough to know that three out of 10 (spell out numbers under 10) is 30 per cent (CP style, though not all of these were eliminated) so describing it twice is not necessary.
New lead Of Is and By edit
TORONTO, May 16, 2018 /CNW/ – Even if not experienced first-hand, mental illness touches everyone. Although invisible, it impacts half (49%) of all Canadians; more than one-third (37%) suffer from anxiety and 30 per cent have combatted depression, according to Sun Life Financial’s recent national survey of Canadian mental health experiences. 45 words
The second paragraph: from 43 to 36 words.
Original
From work-related stress to living with schizophrenia, mental illness crosses all boundaries and touches people at every stage of life. Millennials, ages 20 to 34, are most likely to report mental health concerns (63%), followed by Generation X (50%) and Late Boomers (41%). 43 words
Of Is and By edit
From work-related stress to living with schizophrenia, mental illness throughout life crosses boundaries. Millennials, ages 20 to 34, are most likely to report mental health concerns (63%), followed by Generation X (50%) and Late Boomers (41%). 36 words
PS: would love to make your news releases better, too.
