Many cannabis companies and the government issued news releases on Canada Newswire today to celebrate legalization. Their writing, however, was as flabby as a hand-rolled joint. Extra words, word repeats, grammatical errors, passive voices, inattention to the Copy Doctor’s ‘of is and by’ suggestions. Take a look at the A/B comparisons, and how the PR Writing was easily compressed.
Original
OTTAWA, Oct. 17, 2018 /CNW/ – The old approach to cannabis did not work. It let criminals and organized crime profit, while failing to keep cannabis out of the hands of Canadian youth. In many cases, it has been easier for our kids to buy cannabis than cigarettes.(42 words)See full release here.
PR Writer edit
The old approach to cannabis failed. Criminals and organized crime profited, while not keeping cannabis away from Canadian youth. Kids usually can buy cannabis easier than cigarettes. (27 words)
Key changes
- Did not work
- Failed
- It let criminals and organized crime profit
- Criminals and organized crime profited
- While failing to keep cannabis out of the hands of Canadian youth
- While not keeping cannabis away from Canadian youth
- It has been easier for our kids to buy cannabis than cigarettes
- Kids usually can buy cannabis easier than cigarettes
Original
TORONTO, Oct. 17, 2018 /CNW/ – Beleave is a vertically-integrated Canadian cannabis company headquartered in Oakville, Ontario, that operates streamlined facilities throughout Canada to cultivate high-quality cannabis flower, oil, and extracts with funded capacity in excess of 150,000 kg per year. (35 words)
PR Writer edit
Beleave, a vertically integrated Oakville, Ont.cannabis company, operates streamlined facilities nationwide cultivating high-quality cannabis flower, oil, and extracts with funded capacity exceeding 150,000 kg per year. (27 words)
Key changes
- Beleave is a vertically-integrated Canadian cannabis company headquartered in Oakville, Ontario
- Beleave, a vertically integrated Oakville, Ont.cannabis company
Get rid of the ‘is’ and make it a comma clause. No hyphens with adverbs like ‘vertically.’ If it’s in Oakville, Ont. (Ont. is CP style), then it’s in Canada, no need to repeat.
- Operates streamlined facilities throughout Canada to cultivate high-quality cannabis flower
- Operates streamlined facilities nationwide cultivating high-quality cannabis flower
- With funded capacity in excess of 150,000 kg per year
- With funded capacity exceeding 150,000 kg per year
Original
TORONTO, Oct. 17, 2018 /CNW/ – Cannvas MedTech Inc. (“Cannvas” or the “Company”) (CSE: MTEC) (Frankfurt: 3CM), a leading business technology company in the cannabis space, is pleased to announce its intent, operating under its newly-formed Cannvas Cannabis Acquisitions brand, to install a network of learning kiosks in high-traffic retail areas across Canada to improve accessibility to free and unbiased education about the potential benefits of medical and adult-use cannabis. (64 words)
PR Writer edit
Cannvas MedTech Inc. (“Cannvas” or the “Company”) (CSE: MTEC) (Frankfurt: 3CM), a leading cannabis business technology company, will install learning kiosk networks in high-traffic Canadian retail areas, improving accessibility to free, unbiased education about medical and adult-use cannabis’ potential benefits. The kiosks will operate under its newly formed Cannvas Cannabis Acquisitions brand. (52 words)
Key changes
- Get rid of ‘in the cannabis space,’ the meaning is nebulous.
- ‘Is pleased to announce,’ biggest #1 PR mistake, even first year #Humberpr students know that. Newly-formed, same error, no hyphen necessary.
- Look for ways to eliminate ‘of,’ so ‘the potential benefits of medical and adult-use cannabis’ becomes ‘medical and adult-use cannabis’ potential benefits.’ Use possessives.
- Move how it’s operating to last sentence in lead. It clogs up the news.
Original
EDMONTON, Oct. 17, 2018 /CNW/ – Aurora Cannabis Inc. (“Aurora” or the “Company”) (TSX: ACB) (OTCQX: ACBFF) (Frankfurt: 21P; WKN: A1C4WM) today announced that its Aurora Sky (“Sky”) facility has been granted its sales license by Health Canada, significantly increasing availability of both dried flower and derivative cannabis products across all cannabis markets the Company is targeting. (51 words)
PR Writer edit
Aurora Cannabis Inc. (“Aurora” or the “Company”) (TSX: ACB) (OTCQX: ACBFF) (Frankfurt: 21P; WKN: A1C4WM) today announced that Health Canada had granted a sales license to Aurora Sky (“Sky”) facility, significantly increasing dried flower and derivative cannabis product availability across all target markets. (43 words)
Key changes
- Granted its sales license by Health Canada
- Health Canada had granted a sales license to Aurora
Avoid the passive voice, avoid the passive voice!
- Increasing availability of both dried flower and derivative cannabis products
- Increasing dried flower and derivative cannabis product availability
‘Of’ is always a signal to eliminate the word.
- All cannabis markets the Company is targeting
- Across all target markets
Don’t forget: The PR Writer and Copy Doctor can clean and improve content for you too.
