It’s always astonishing how simple releases are distributed with so many costly extra words. Yet they are; here’s one that really could have benefited from reviewing How to be a better online writer.
New Cannabis Tourism Strategy lays framework to attract more entrepreneurs and visitors
Original
SMITHS FALLS, ON, Sept. 24, 2019 /CNW/ – The legalization of cannabis, combined with Canopy Growth Corporation’s headquarters in Smiths Falls, has presented the Town with an unparalleled opportunity to become a leader in the cannabis tourism industry. 30 words
PR Writer Edit
SMITHS FALLS, ON, Sept. 24, 2019 /CNW/ – Cannabis legalization, combined with Canopy Growth Corporation’s Smiths Falls headquarters, has presented the Town with an unparalleled opportunity to become a cannabis tourism industry leader. 25 words
No mention of entrepreneurs, which is contained in the headline and should be followed up in the lead.
Commentary
Lead
- The legalization of cannabis/Cannabis legalization. A basic How to be a better writer tip is eliminating ‘of,’ and it works here.
- In Smiths Falls. According to Better Writer, location words like ‘in’ can be eliminated by making the city a modifier, as in ‘Smith Falls headquarters.’
- A leader in the cannabis tourism industry/ a cannabis tourism industry leader. The same thought: ‘in’ often provides the opportunity to move the clause following ‘in’ before the noun, ‘leader.’
Reorganizing the follow up paragraphs and the quote.
Original
- On September 23, the Town presented a Cannabis Tourism Strategy to Council that lays out a path forward to establish Smiths Falls as the premiere cannabis tourism destination in Canada.
- “In other parts of the world where legalization has been introduced, cannabis tourism has injected hundreds of millions of dollars in direct and indirect revenue”, said Shawn Pankow, Mayor of Smiths Falls. “We believe Smiths Falls is the first community in Canada to develop a Cannabis Tourism Strategy. This is an important step in solidifying our role as a leader.”
- Canopy Growth is already welcoming tourists through their world-class Visitor Centre, which provides information on the history of cannabis, and views of production rooms, and the Town intends to build on this success.
PR Writer edit
On September 23, the Town Council approved a Cannabis Tourism Strategy that will establish Smiths Falls as Canada’s premiere cannabis tourism destination, building on the success of Canopy Growth, which already welcomes many tourists through its world-class Visitor Centre. The Centre provides information on cannabis history and processing including views of production rooms, and the Town intends to build on this pre-existing interest.
“In other parts of the world where cannabis has been legalized, tourism has injected hundreds of millions of dollars in direct and indirect revenue,” said Smiths Falls Mayor Shawn Pankow. “We are most likely the first Canadian community to develop a Cannabis Tourism Strategy, an important step in solidifying our role as a leader.”
Commentary
Paragraphs 1 and 3 were combined and placed before the quote. If the tourism strategy is dependent on Canopy Growth’s, then the quote confuses that thought.
On the history of cannabis, and views of production rooms/ on cannabis history and processing including views of production rooms. Along with eliminating yet another ‘of,’ the editor thought that the history of cannabis and views of production were less interesting than history and processing and ‘views of production rooms.’
The quote, #2, concludes the train of thought:
Where legalization has been introduced, cannabis tourism has injected…is an unwieldy thought. It’s better as ‘where cannabis has been legalized, tourism has injected.’ One mention of cannabis is all that’s necessary and ‘cannabis has been legalized’ is more concise than ‘where legalization has been introduced.’
CP quote error: revenue”,–no, it’s revenue,”. CP Style: Period/Quote
My #1 pet peeve, as many Humber College grads will tell you.
Shawn Pankow, Mayor of Smiths Falls/Smith Falls Mayor Shawn Pankow. Titles before the name and the ‘of’ is not necessary; it also avoids the capitalization errors in capitalizing the office following the name.
“We believe Smiths Falls is the first community in Canada/ We are most likely the first Canadian community. It’s a subtle point but saying ‘we believe’ is unnecessary because you are writing it, thinking it already; however, ‘we are most likely’ is an assertion and it avoids the ‘is the first community,’ another Better Writer basic tip.
Finally, here is an A and B comparison.
- Is the first community in Canada to develop a Cannabis Tourism Strategy. This is an important step in solidifying our role as a leader.
- Is the first Canadian community to develop a Cannabis Tourism Strategy, an important step in solidifying our role
Combining the two sentences reduces words, benefits understanding, moves ‘in Canada’ to Canadian, modifying ‘community’ and eliminates “this is…”
Hope it helps!
