As a news release maven, it makes it all worthwhile to find that even PR firms have bad days and produce ill-conceived news releases. In this promo for an employee winning an award, numerous basic mistakes are made, including errors of emphasis. The biggest cliché in PR, ‘proud to announce’ is also used. (Of course you are; that’s why you are writing it). In addition, some judicious moving around of information improves the word flow.
Original lead
NEW YORK, Oct. 3, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — 5W Public Relations, one of the 15 largest independently-owned PR firms in the U.S., is proud to announce that Executive Vice President, Dara A. Busch, was named a finalist in the Maverick of the Year category in the16th annual Stevie® Awards for Women in Business, and will ultimately be a Gold, Silver, or Bronze Stevie Award winner in the program. Dara oversees 5W’s Consumer Practice, which includes Travel & Entertainment, Apparel & Accessories, Non-Profits, Home & Housewares, Health & Wellness, Mom & Baby, Beauty & Grooming, and Consumer Packaged Goods. (90 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
NEW YORK, Oct. 3, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — Dara A. Busch, executive vice president, 5W Public Relations, one of the 15 largest independently owned U.S.PR firms, was named a finalist in the Maverick of the Year category in the 16th annual Stevie® Awards for Women in Business. She will ultimately be a Gold, Silver, or Bronze Stevie program Award. (51 words)
Commentary
While the firm employing Busch wishes to grab the attention, in this instance it doesn’t make sense. Starting with her name and title (lower case for business titles, please) the firm’s status can be explained. The mistake of linking an adverb ‘independently’ and owned with a hyphen is also corrected. It’s independently owned, not independently-owned.
Explanatory paragraph original
- The Stevie Awards for Women in Business honor women executives, entrepreneurs, employees and the companies they run – worldwide. 2. The Stevie Awards have been hailed as the world’s premier business awards.
Better Writer edit
2. The Stevie Awards for Women in Business have been hailed as the world’s premier business awards. 1. They honor women executives, entrepreneurs, employees and the companies they operate – worldwide.
Reversing the sentences allows an explanation for a somewhat unknown award. Then ‘The Steve Awards’ need not be repeated. ‘They’ replaces the name and replaces an extraneous word repeat.
Fixing the quote
“Being named a finalist for Maverick of the Year is an enormous honor,” said Dara A. Busch.
What is wrong with that? The quite, while not particularly imaginative, could stand; however, her full name has already been stated. Use the second reference, just ‘Busch.’
Extraneous material from the lead moved down. This paragraph formerly concluded and clouded the lead. It slowed down the reader and added nothing to the news but is worth including as explanatory material. Here it is:
Busch oversees 5W’s Consumer Practice, including Travel & Entertainment, Apparel & Accessories, Non-Profits, Home & Housewares, Health & Wellness, Mom & Baby, Beauty & Grooming, and Consumer Packaged Goods.
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