My exploration into the U.S. PR Newswire has proved to be very fruitful. Its news releases display many examples begging for changes and editing, and this one from DroneDek is a doozy. I was very impressed (astonished really) that the company altered its actual brand identity, creating a style mistake. Read on for PR Tools for Better Writers!
Mistake #1
Original Headline
DRONEDEK Awarded 2nd Patent, Further Securing Its Stranglehold on the Smart Drone Delivery Receptacle Space
News releases should be in ‘down style’ or displaying a bias against German-style capitalization. Initial word capped, then only cap proper nouns. In addition, unless it’s an official brand mark (IBM), company names should not be all caps. And amusingly, at DroneDek.com the name is spelled with two capital Ds but not all caps!
Mistake #2
It’s not a word error but describing anything as a ‘stranglehold’ not only can’t be verified but as a PR Tool, it’s excessive, negative and antithetical to strong PR thinking.
Better Writer Edit
DroneDek awarded 2nd patent, further securing leadership in smart drone delivery receptacle space
In this case, leadership is better than ‘stranglehold’ and is a business aim rather than death and dominance.
Remarkably bad original lead
INDIANAPOLIS, Oct. 3, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — DRONEDEK, LLC, manufacturer of DRONEDEK, announced today that it has been granted its 2nd patent for its DRONEDEK, mailbox of the future smart delivery receptacle. 25 words
Better Writer Edit
INDIANAPOLIS, Oct. 3, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — DroneDek announced today that it has been granted a 2nd patent for its DroneDek mailbox of the future smart delivery receptacle. 21 words
Essential lesson:
This one isn’t about reducing many words; it’s more about simplifying.
- The company name was repeated three times. A sign for change.
- In general, I try to avoid ‘announced today’ as that is the news release’s raison d’être.
However, there is so little other news that I let it stand. Clearly saying DroneDek, manufacturer of DroneDek is unnecessary. Eliminate at least one repeat.
Follow up paragraph –
Drone delivery is on the horizon and the only thing more important than the drone is the receptacle. DRONEDEK’s platform-agnostic delivery receptacle received claims allowing for a heated and cooled cargo area; opening up delivery of heated foods and cooled beverages as well as pharmaceutical drugs and more. DRONEDEK also received patent protection for its bio-toxin and explosive sensing and reporting technology.
Notes and comments
It’s excerpted here as an example of what not to do.
- A follow up paragraph should amplify and illuminate – make the story clearer and more interesting.
- The actual meaning is not apparent, (perhaps unless you are a patent lawyer) a real problem. First sentence includes drone repeated twice
- ‘Is’ can be eliminated: drone delivery, now on the horizon, must include….
- I am not sure what ‘received claims, allowing for heated and cooled cargo area’ means … something in the patent realm. Needs to be explained.
It’s really not editable. Another in a series of companies that pay good money for release distribution and then send out something
Better Writer Edit
Drone delivery, now on the horizon, must include a platform-agnostic delivery receptacle receptacle like DroneDek’s. The company received claims allowing for a heated and cooled cargo area, opening up heated foods and cooled beverage delivery as well as pharmaceutical drugs and more. DRONEDEK also received patent protection for its bio-toxin and explosive sensing and reporting technology. #PR #BetterWriter #humberpr
