Once again, a paid news release, the essential PR Tool, is issued, and ignores the most essential news development, preferring to describe company achievements before getting to the reason for sending the release over PR newswires.
Headline and edits
A. Nextleaf Solutions Adds Former Health Canada Inspector Dr. Sherry Boodram to Board of Directors
B. Nextleaf Solutions adds Dr. Sherry Boodram, former Health Canada Inspector, to Board
Make this in down-style, only initial capitals and proper nouns; that’s the standard style. Again the person is more important than her former employer. Reverse the information.
In this news release, the company makes the grave error of putting its own self-interest ahead of the news. Note how it first describes all its achievements, patents etc., before releasing the actual news, that a distinguished person has joined its board. Just switch the two and the information is there but makes more sense and takes fewer words with selective Better Writer edits.
Original lead
VANCOUVER, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW/ – Nextleaf Solutions Ltd. (“Nextleaf“, “OILS“, or the “Company“) (CSE: OILS) (OTCQB: OILFF) (FSE: L0MA), an extraction technology company that owns a portfolio of eight (8) issued and 35 pending patents pertaining to industrial-scale extraction, purification and formulation of cannabinoids, announced today that it has added Dr. Sherry Boodram, former Senior Regulatory Compliance Officer with Health Canada, to its Board of Directors, effective immediately. (63 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
VANCOUVER, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW/ – Nextleaf Solutions Ltd. (“Nextleaf“, “OILS“, or the “Company“) (CSE: OILS) (OTCQB: OILFF) (FSE: L0MA), announced today that it has added Dr. Sherry Boodram, former Health Canada Senior Regulatory Compliance Officer, to its Board of Directors. Nextleaf, an extraction technology company, owns eight issued and 35 pending patents pertaining to industrial-scale extraction, purification and cannabinoids formulation. (55 words)
Note the changes: A demonstrates how the self serving part comes first. B puts the news first.
A. an extraction technology company
B. announced today that it has added Dr. Sherry Boodram
Move Health Canada before the title, and it’s shorter and more concise.
A. Senior Regulatory Compliance Officer with Health Canada
B. former Health Canada Senior Regulatory Compliance Officer,
Effective immediately: if it’s effective right away it doesn’t need to be said; if it’s a future time, like effective Jan. 1 2020, use that construction. Effective immediately adds nothing.
Second paragraph
A. Currently, Dr. Boodram is the co-founder and CEO of CannDelta Inc. (“CannDelta“) – a regulatory and scientific cannabis consulting company based out of Toronto, Canada – where she provides regulatory expertise and develops strategies to ensure regulatory compliance within Canada’s existing legal cannabis framework. (44 words)
B. As co-founder and CEO (“CannDelta“) of CannDelta Inc.’s., a Toronto regulatory and scientific cannabis consulting company, Boodram provides regulatory expertise and develops strategies to ensure regulatory compliance within Canada’s existing legal cannabis framework. (33 words)
A. is the co-founder and CEO of CannDelta Inc
B. As co-founder and CEO
Normally, I’d invoke the ‘eliminate is’ section of Better Writer and suggest: ‘Dr. Boodram, CannDelta Inc.’s co-founder and CEO.’ However, the next clause, ‘regulatory and scientific company,’ almost uses that up and comes with an instructive mistake:
A. ‘company based out of Toronto, Canada’
B. Toronto regulatory scientific and cannabis consulting company.
In a Canadian story, Toronto plus ‘Canada’ is superfluous. Another essential Better Writer lesson advises eliminating the word ‘located or based in.’ Here words are added with ‘based out of,’ sounding like Sunday Night Football—‘a rookie out of Ohio State.’ Move Toronto ahead of the company description so it’s clear where the company is based.
