This PR Tools news release excellently illustrates the benefits of several important Better PR Writer lessons: avoid the passive voice, get rid of ‘of’ and edit out location words (in, located in) and turning their clauses into modifiers. Strong, active writing is the goal; eliminating passives accomplishes that magnificently. In this Honda news release, there is no word headline reduction but it reads more actively. The lead receives an almost 19 per cent word count reduction. Here’s how this set of PR Tools works:
Original headline
Vintage Honda N600 Powered by VFR 800 Motorcycle Engine Wins Honda Super Tuner Legends Series (15 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
VFR 800 Motorcycle Engine Powers Vintage Honda N600 and Wins Honda Super Tuner Legends Series (15 words)
The word count is the same; why edit it? What is the difference?
Passive voice eliminated: ‘motorcycle engine powers’ instead of ‘powered by.’
Original lead
TORRANCE, Calif., Oct. 28, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — Honda today announced that a 1972 Honda N600 owned by Stephen Mines has won the first-ever Honda Super Tuner Legends Series, which joined the Hot Wheels™ Legends Tour in 2019as the exclusive tuner component of the program. Customized over a five-year period, the Honda N600 is powered bya Honda VFR 800cc V4 motorcycle engine in a rear wheel drive configuration, sporting a 12,000 RPM redline and a surprisingly deep and growly engine sound. (75 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
TORRANCE, Calif., Oct. 28, 2019 /PRNewswire/ — Honda today announced that Stephen Mines’ 1972 Honda N600 won the first-ever Honda Super Tuner Legends Series, after joining the 2019 Hot Wheels™ Legends Tour as the program’s exclusive tuner. Customized over a five-year period, a Honda VFR 800cc V4 motorcycle engine powers a rear-wheel drive Honda N600, sporting a 12,000 RPM redline and a surprisingly deep and growly engine sound. (61 words or nearly 19 per cent reduction)
Commentary
Here are three examples and A/B edits
Honda today announced that:
A. A 1972 Honda N600 owned by Stephen Mines (8 words)
B. Stephen Mines’ 1972 Honda N600 (5 words)
A passive voice classic; an apostrophe not only reduces words but also scuttles a passive voice.
A. which joined the Hot Wheels™ Legends Tour in 2019
B. after joining the 2019 Hot Wheels™ Legends Tour
Moving the date before the ‘Legends tour,’ a basic action, obviates the need for the location particle ‘in,’ while ‘after joining’ instead of ‘which joined’ is more active. Not imperative but an improvement, nevertheless.
Customized over a five-year period, the Honda N600:
A. is powered by a Honda VFR 800cc V4 motorcycle engine in a rear wheel drive configuration
B. a Honda VFR 800cc V4 motorcycle engine powers a rear-wheel drive Honda N600
Both ‘by’ and ‘in’ appear in the original; pruning them improves the writing significantly and allows a word reduction: ‘rear wheel drive configuration’ vs. ‘a rear-wheel drive Honda N600.’ Configuration becomes unnecessary as ‘rear-while drive’ implies configuration.
All in all, the Honda news release again demonstrates that with the smallest attention to words and detail, big PR Tools reductions happen.
