I’ve of course said this before but it always astonishes me that PR departments and agencies pay top dollar to release news electronically and make such basic mistakes. Here are a few from recent news releases.
Dates
Do not use dates in the form below: 31st and 3rd. It should be December 31, January 1 and December 3 in these two paragraphs.
For the seventh consecutive year, the TTC is partnering with Corby Spirit and Wine to help New Years’ revellers stay safe, by providing a night of free TTC rides. Starting December 31st after 7 p.m., all TTC streetcars, buses and subways will be free of charge until 7 a.m. on January 1st. (January 1)
On Tuesday, December 3rd, (on December 3) also known as Giving Tuesday, more than 200 volunteers from Spin Master donned glittering angel wings and helped each child select two toys – one for themselves and another to share with a friend.
Word repetitions
Word reps are easy; they are observable and it’s not as if a rule needs to be memorized. In the following lead, remarkably, the same phrase ‘the role of the CEO’ repeats twice.
Original
LONDON, Ontario, Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ — StarTech.com announced this week that Paul Seed, its co-founder and owner, has returned to the role of CEO. Lynn Smurthwaite-Murphy, who took over the role of CEO in January 2019 after serving as President for the previous two years, has left the organization.
PR Writer Edit
LONDON, Ontario, Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ — StarTech.com announced this week that co-founder and owner Paul Seed has again become CEO. Lynn Smurthwaite-Murphy, CEO since January 2019 and previously President for the previous two years, has left the organization.
The ‘role of CEO’ was eliminated in both cases.
Here is a passive voice (and a use of ‘of’) that’s easily eliminated:
Original
StarTech.com was founded in 1985 by Paul Seed and his partner Ken Kalopsis. The business has grown from a two-person operation in the basement of a house to a global leader in IT accessories with over 500 employees and operations in 23 countries worldwide. (45 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
Paul Seed and partner Ken Kalopsis founded StarTech.com in 1985. The business grew from two people in a basement to a global leader in IT accessories with over 500 employees and operations in 23 countries. (36 words)
No ‘of’ or ‘by’. Worldwide is redundant as 23 countries implies worldwide but isn’t accurate even then; 23 countries is all that’s needed.
Focus on the news
Getting the company’s name and background before the news minimizes press release effectiveness. The company’s business should be explained after the news.
Original
CENTER VALLEY, Pa., Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ — Olympus, a global technology leader in designing and delivering innovative solutions for medical and surgical procedures, among other core businesses, announced today that Olympus Canada has been named one of Greater Toronto’s Top Employers for the fourth year running. The award recognizes a workplace culture that puts value on employee engagement with the company mission and with one another.
Better PR Writer Edit
CENTER VALLEY, Pa., Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ — Olympus Canada has been named one of Greater Toronto’s Top Employers for the fourth year in a row. The award recognizes a workplace culture placing value on employee engagement with the company mission and with one another. Olympus, a global technology leader, among other core businesses, designs and delivers innovative solutions for medical and surgical procedures.
Second reference mistakes
In the next example, there are inexplicable extra words, repetitions, second reference mistakes with unnecessary title repeats.
Original
TORONTO, Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ – The Supreme Cannabis Company, Inc. (“Supreme Cannabis” or the “Company”) (TSX: FIRE) (OTCQX: SPRWF) (FRA: 53S1) announced today the strengthening of its Board of Directors (the “Board”) with the intention to appoint a new independent director, Jackie Poriadjian-Asch, on and effective December 10, 2019. A skilled corporate executive, Ms. Poriadjian-Asch will bring leading consumer-facing brand expertise to the Board. (59 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
TORONTO, Dec. 6, 2019 /CNW/ – The Supreme Cannabis Company, Inc. (“Supreme Cannabis” or the “Company”) (TSX: FIRE) (OTCQX: SPRWF) (FRA: 53S1) strengthened its Board of Directors (the “Board”) with a new independent director, Jackie Poriadjian-Asch, effective December 10, 2019. A skilled corporate executive, Poriadjian-Asch provide the board with consumer-facing brand expertise. (46 words)
Here are some A and B comparisons.
- announced today the strengthening of its Board
- strengthened its Board
- with the intention to appoint a new independent director
- with a new independent director
- on and effective December 10
- effective December 10
- Ms. Poriadjian-Asch
- Poriadjian-Asch
- will bring leading consumer-facing brand expertise to
- provide the board with consumer-facing brand expertise
Extra Words
In this example, some careful pruning – and use of the Better Writer writing tips — produces big results.
Original
TORONTO, Dec. 5, 2019 /CNW/ – In the spirit of giving back this holiday season, PwC Canada presented Mackenzie Health Foundation Hospital with a $250,000 donation during the grand opening of its new GTA North office located at the Vaughan Metropolitan Centre. (36 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
TORONTO, Dec. 5, 2019 /CNW/ – In the spirit of holiday giving, PwC Canada presented Mackenzie Health Foundation Hospital with a $250,000 donation during its new GTA North office’s grand opening at the Vaughan Metropolitan Centre. (30 words)
- In the spirit of giving back this holiday season
- In the spirit of holiday giving
- In the holiday giving spirit
In these three examples, the first sentence can be shortened and the last is extreme but demonstrates how something can be compressed. I favour B as it has a bit more emotion.
- during the grand opening of its new GTA North office located at
- during its new GTA North office’s grand opening
One of the most important Better Writer tips is getting rid of ‘of’ and in this example, using an apostrophe makes it a much shorter phrase. Also, located at is just not needed. ‘At’ is sufficient.
I’d love to do this kind of editing for you. Send me something and I will show how to improve it…no charge. RR @rotmanprwriter
