Original headline
Warner Bros. To Open First Ever Harry Potter Flagship Store In New York
Becomes…
Warner Bros. to Open Harry Potter Flagship Store in New York
‘It is usual that the opening of a flagship store marks the first development of a retail store portfolio within a luxury fashion retailer’s most important foreign markets.’ — Collins English Dictionary
‘First ever’ is therefore redundant. As an important PR Tool, it might have been better news to say ‘First Ever Harry Potter store’ but if flagship was important, ‘first ever’ should be deleted. A flagship, however, is hardly a flagship if it’s the only store. Note in the lead that ‘first official’ is also used. If there isn’t an ‘unofficial’ one, then first ever should have gone in the headline. The lead must recapitulate the headline.
Original lead
This lead is quite odd, given that Warner Bros. would have access to professional talent. It first says the ‘magic is coming’ and in the next sentence it says Warner Bros. ‘announced.’ There are several redundancies in the two phrases that can easily be expunged. ‘The opening of the world’s first official Harry Potter flagship store’ sounds as if there are more first official stores to come. The phrase is improbably repeated in the next sentence. Why is that?
NEW YORK, Jan. 9, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — The magic of the Wizarding World is coming to New York with the opening of the world’s first official Harry Potter flagship store. Warner Bros. today announced that it will open the first official Harry Potter flagship store in the heart of New York City next to the iconic Flatiron building at 935 Broadway. (54 words)
Better PR Writer Edit
NEW YORK, Jan. 9, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — The Wizarding World’s magic is coming to New York with the opening of the world’s first official Harry Potter store. The flagship, in New York’s heart, is next to the iconic Flatiron building, 935 Broadway. (35 words)
The first phrase is similar: eliminating ‘of’ with ‘Wizarding world’s magic’ instead of the magic of the wizarding world.’ Then ‘first official Harry Potter store,’ leaves out flagship until the next sentence, as it isn’t a flagship until it’s open.
As a PR Tool, instead of the ‘heart of New York City,’ just ‘New York’s heart’ will suffice. ‘City’ is left out as there are so many cues that this is the city not the state, and the state doesn’t have a Broadway address and if Broadway doesn’t imply the Big Apple, nothing does. No need for ‘at,’ just Flatiron Building, 935 Broadway. Location words ‘in’ or ‘at’ can almost always be eliminated.
