There was so much to say in the story about headlines that the first post had to be split into two (see above). Part II covers the lead. The original lead paragraph can be reduced from 38 to 25 words but that isn’t all. It was very wordy but might have missed the news. Here is the lead as distributed:
Original lead
TORONTO, July 6, 2020 /CNW/ – With the traditional big wedding stepping aside due to COVID-19, many Canadian couples who planned to wed this summer have made the difficult choice of pivoting with an intimate backyard nuptial, a last-minute elopement or to postpone outright. (38 words)
The wordiness comes here: ‘Due to covid, who planned to wed, have made the difficult choice of…’
Better PR Writer edit
TORONTO, July 6, 2020 /CNW/ – With COVID-19 stopping traditional big weddings, many Canadian couples with summer wedding plans have pivoted to intimate backyard nuptials, a last-minute elopement or outright postponements. (25 words)
Here are some A/B comparisons
A. With the traditional big wedding stepping aside due to COVID-19
B. With COVID-19 stopping traditional big weddings
A. Many Canadian couples who planned to wed this summer have made the difficult choice of pivoting
B. Many Canadian couples with summer wedding plans have pivoted to intimate backyard nuptials
Original second paragraph
Second paragraphs are very important, as they keep the reader going, and moving the information along. The lead attracts readers but the second paragraph provides the momentum.
Those who want to show that love can indeed conquer all are turning to pop-up wedding chapels and “minimonies”, (CP style error, it’s ,” not “,) celebrating their day in style with a few local loved ones at a safe distance, while other guests join virtually. (39 words)
Better PR writer edit
Those believing love can conquer all are turning to pop-up wedding chapels and “minimonies,” celebrating in style and social distancing with local loved ones, while other guests join virtually. 29 words
Again the wordiness is clear:
A. Those who want to show that love can indeed conquer all
B. Those believing love can conquer all
A. Celebrating their day in style with a few local loved ones at a safe distance
B. Celebrating in style and social distancing with local loved ones
Gerunds or ‘ing’ endings have helped here. “Those who want to show/those believing…At a safe distance/social distancing.”
“Their day” has already been established. “A few local loved ones/with local loved ones.” The amount isn’t important
Conclusion: a rewrite
However, there is still a better way to attract more attention. In this rewrite, I have brought in the names of the well-known sponsors and connected the date with the event. Definitely better for pick up and sharing with the links, too, with the edited headline.
COVID Nuptials? Canadian Couples Exchange Vineyards Vows Aug. 1
TORONTO, July 6, 2020 /CNW/ – With COVID-19 stopping traditional big weddings, many Canadian couples with summer wedding plans have pivoted to intimate backyard nuptials, a last-minute elopement or outright postponements. Even so, on August 1, to help couples realize the wedding of their dreams, select wineries like Jackson-Triggs Niagara Estate Winery, Inniskillin Niagara Estate Winery and Sandbanks Winery in Ontario and See Ya Later Ranch, Sumac Ridge and Nk’Mip Cellars in British Columbia have developed special, all-inclusive wedding packages for that day only.
Stay tuned for more PR Tools: Press Release department.
