In this second PR Tools installment from PR newswires, this U.S. story demonstrates even more ineptitude and carelessness than Canadian counterparts. The headline, a mistake-riddled doozy, demonstrates style errors. With apologies to the heroic U.K. sailor @EllenMacArthur, who broke the world record for the fastest solo circumnavigation of the globe, a feat which gained her international renown in February 2005, her Foundation clearly needs a stronger hand on the writing tiller. Please also take a look at MacArthur’s thoughts about #circulareconomy, a very important no-waste concept.
Original headline
H&M And The Ellen Macarthur (Fatal Error) Foundation Rethink Denim Design And Production In A Move Towards Circularity
Better PR Writer Edit
H&M and the Ellen MacArthur Foundation Rethink Denim Design and Production in a Move Towards Circularity
Comments
Back in my #HumberPR days, Kalene Morgan and I developed a document covering Fatal Errors, a disqualification resulting in failure. Among them were misspelling the client or company’s name. The last name is MacArthur, capital M capital A. Note in the original headline but not the lead the foundation itself misspelled its own name. A “F” for sure. In addition, all words are capitalized, a real error. CP and AP style — as do I — favour the more readable ‘downstyle’ in headlines:
H&M and the Ellen MacArthur Foundation rethink denim design and production (proper names are capitalized).
However, some editorial services favour what’s called ‘initial caps,’ following AP Style, as in the edited version where these words are generally not capitalized:
- Articles (a, an, the)
- Coordinating Conjunctions (and, but, for)
- Short (less than 5 letters) Prepositions (at, by, from)
Original lead — reducing a 100 to 73 words, or 27 per cent
NEW YORK, Oct. 15, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — A pair of jeans is likely the most common garment that we can find in any wardrobe around the world. In order to transform the way jeans are made today, last year the Ellen MacArthur Foundation’s Make Fashion Circular initiative defined how denim design and production could fit into circular economy principles, through durability, recyclability and responsible use of resources. As a result of the participation in this visionary project, H&M will launch a remarkable men’s denim collection inspired by natural simplicity. H&M Jeans Redesign launches October 15th and will be available in select stores worldwide and online at hm.com. (100 words)
Better PR Writer edit
NEW YORK, Oct. 15, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — Jeans, likely the wardrobe’s most common garment, are being rethought due to the Ellen MacArthur Foundation’s Make Fashion Circular initiative. It will define how denim design and production could fit into circular economy principles, through durability, recyclability and responsible use of resources. Based on this visionary project, on October 15 H&M will launch H&M Jeans Redesign, remarkable men’s denim collection inspired by natural simplicity, available in select stores worldwide and online at hm.com. (83 words)
Readers of my writing manual How to be a better online writer overnight, ( amazon.ca) will recognize immediately that ‘is,’ one of the three key words to eliminate (the others are ‘of’ and ‘by’) can do wonders being eliminated.
- A pair of jeans is likely the most common garment that we can find in any wardrobe around the world. In order to transform the way jeans are made today,
- Jeans, likely the wardrobe’s most common garment, are being rethought
Comments
So much to say, so many mistakes.
A ‘pair of jeans’ and ‘jeans’ are equivalent.
- Eliminate ‘is’ and ‘is likely’ become ‘jeans, likely…’
- the most common garment that we can find in any wardrobe around the world
- Jeans, likely the wardrobe’s most common garment,
- ‘in any wardrobe’ becomes ‘the wardrobe’s,’ and neither ‘we can find’ nor ‘around the world’ are necessary, just flabby writing. Saying ‘the wardrobe’s most common garment’ implies something global as it’s well known jeans have conquered the world.
I could go on and on, with this one, it’s that badly done. Compare the original and the lead and it will be clear.
Glad to help you with these edits anytime, so go to the PR Writer to contact me.
