In this PR Writer news release analysis, some essential errors in a story about #roadsidetesting are corrected, passive voices eliminated, and the headline now connects with the lead. The language is copy doctored by shortening and compressing…take a look! @draegernews How #marijuana drug test works #drugtesting #humberpr Some police forces question marijuana impairment gauge
Original
Dräger DrugTest 5000 ideally suited to help police in Canada get drug-impaired drivers off the road
TORONTO, Aug. 28, 2018 /CNW/ – Dräger Safety Canada today announced that the Dräger DrugTest 5000 screening system has been approved by the Attorney General of Canada as the first roadside oral fluid drug screening device for use by Canadian law enforcement. 36 words
PR Writer Commentary
The company’s name repeated twice. Two passive voices. The headline’s concept ‘ideally suited to help police’ is not continued in the lead, a PR Writer news release essential.
Reliable roadside testing tools are a trusted tool for law enforcement agencies in their efforts to improve road safety. Designed with portability and automation in mind, the Dräger DrugTest 5000 will complement Canada’s Drug Recognition Expert program and strengthen Canada’s drug-impaired driving regime, by helping law enforcement test for the recent use of cannabis and cocaine, and get fast, accurate results. 60 words
Commentary
The sentences are too long. Google is not kind to long copy. The key point, testing for cannabis and cocaine, is buried.
PR Writer edit
Version #1
TORONTO, Aug. 28, 2018 /CNW/ – The Attorney General of Canada has approved theDräger DrugTest 5000 screening system as law enforcement’s first roadside oral fluid drug testing device. Designed for portability and automation, it is ideally suited to help Canada’s police get drug-impaired drivers off the road.48 words
Commentary
There are two PR Writer news release lead versions. The first starts with the Attorney General to avoid ‘by,’ the passive voice. It’s not really the AG’s news release though. Note how the headline idea ‘ideally suited’ appears in the lead. Instead of ‘for law enforcement,’ it’s now ‘law enforcement’s,’ more active in any case.
Second paragraph edit
By helping law enforcement test for recent cannabis and cocaine use, and generate fast, accurate results, the Dräger DrugTest 5000 complements Canada’s Drug Recognition Expert program. It greatly strengthens the country’s drug-impaired driving enforcement. 57 words
Commentary
This version adds to the news release, while moving up some of the important elements to the lead. Not that much shorter but clearer.
Version #2
The Dräger DrugTest 5000 screening system has been approved by Canada’s attorney general as law enforcement’s first roadside oral fluid drug testing device. Designed for portability and automation, it is ideally suited to help Canada’s police get drug-impaired drivers off the road.42 words
Commentary
As the client would probably prefer the company’s name up front, this version allows the passive voice but changes ‘the attorney general of Canada’ to ‘Canada’s attorney general.’ Breaks my PR Writer heart but it works.
