Dempster’s, a bread brand I like and buy, made a large donation to a food bank and raised an interesting question; when describing large quantities of sliced bread, is it best to quantify it in slices or loaves? I’d be curious about opinions from interested readers. In a few short steps, this PR Tools news release benefited from easy and basic Better Writer edits and reconsidered emphasis. 

Original headline

Dempster’s Celebrates World Food Day by donating 17,200 slices of bread to the North York Harvest Food Bank (18 words)

Note that in the lead, the news is placed first: ‘donating more than 17,200 slices of bread.’ The headline should reflect that; leads must reinforce the headline. This is a basic  Better Writer principle.

Better PR Writer edit

Dempster’s donates 17,200 bread slices to North York Harvest Food Bank, Celebrating World Food Day (15 words)

• Instead of ‘slices of bread,’ bread slices. It is the same. 
• Next, move World Food Day to the end of the headline, as the recipient isn’t as important as the act. 
• Deploy the useful gerund construction: ‘celebrating…’ 

Original lead

TORONTO, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW/– To mark World Food Day, Dempster’s is donating more than 17,200 slices of bread to the North York Harvest Food Bank as part of its Global Energy Race pledge to help nourish Canadians in need and help to eliminate hunger in our local community. On September 22, more than 1,600 participants took part in the Global Energy Race by Dempster’s, a family-focused event celebrating Canadians getting active together and giving back to the community. (74 words)

There were no edits until ‘pledge,’ the end of the first thought. The next part was changed significantly. 

Better PR Writer edit — 15% less than original

TORONTO, Oct. 16, 2019 /CNW/– To mark World Food Day, Dempster’s donated more than 17,200 bread slices to the North York Harvest Food Bank as part of its Global Energy Race by Dempster’s pledge. More than 1,600 took part in the September 22 Race, which helps nourish needy Canadians and helps to eliminate hunger in local communities. The family-focused event celebrates active Canadians giving back to the community. (63 words)

Commentary — A and B comparisons

A. As part of its Global Energy Race pledge to help to help nourish Canadians in need and help to eliminate hunger in our local community. 

B. As part of its Global Energy Race by Dempster’s pledge.

• My old Washington Post editor taught me a life-long PR Tool: put periods in long sentences, as true in journalism as it is in PR writing.
• Here, a period after ‘pledge,’ enabled moving up the recipient. Putting Global Energy Race by Dempster’s before ‘pledge,’ not only explained it earlier but also eliminated the need to repeat it, always important.
• The reason for the donation is highlighted better. 

A. On September 22, more than 1,600 participants took part

B. More than 1,600 took part in the September 22 Race

The date is a throwaway since it already occurred; the number of participants is far more important. Then the purpose is highlighted and the long name is reduced to ‘Race,’ as it has been previously mentioned. 

A. A family-focused event celebrating Canadians getting active together and giving back to the community (14 words)

B. The family-focused event celebrates active Canadians giving back to the community (11 words)

I particularly like shortening ‘Canadians getting active together and giving back to the community’ to ‘active Canadians giving back to the community.’ One might object by saying it doesn’t convey the sense of ‘getting active together. Fair enough, but the mention of ‘event’ implies a group activity. The B version, too, is rendered in a more active voice. 

Original quote

“Dempster’s is proud to be Made by Canada. Our products are baked by Canadians for Canadians, with Canadian wheat flour and 100 per cent Canadian values,” says Heather Crees, Vice President, Marketing. “With one in five Canadians using food banks in their lifetime, now more than ever, Dempster’s is leading the change to help eliminate hunger through ongoing food bank donations and initiatives like the Global Energy Race by Dempster’s.”   

Better PR Writer edit 

“With one in five Canadians using food banks in their lifetime, now more than ever, Dempster’s is leading the change to help eliminate hunger through ongoing food bank donations and initiatives like the Global Energy Race,” says Heather Crees, Vice President, Marketing. “Dempster’s is proud to be Made by Canada. Our products are baked by Canadians for Canadians, with Canadian wheat flour and 100 per cent Canadian values.”

Commentary

Quite simply, the quotes were reversed; ‘one in five Canadians using food banks’ is far more important than the commercial and boilerplate-like ‘Dempster’s is proud to be Made by Canada. Our products are baked by Canadians for Canadians, with Canadian wheat flour and 100 per cent Canadian values.’ Do you agree?