In this press release, there are some textbook examples of basic mistakes, both in copy and emphasis, not to mention capitalization and headline style. The lead was reduced from 142 word to 109, around 23 per cent. Let’s start with the headline as the first basic PR Tool. (If you think you’d like some comment on your own release, send me on at no cost @rotmanprwriter or use the contact form; maybe I can help).
Two changes are in order. First take advantage of headline style and eliminate ‘is.’
High Performance Is The Name Of The Game
becomes
High Performance: the Name of the Game
Then observe headline style capitalization rules: don’t capitalize articles like the, and & of. In the first instance, the capital on the word ‘is’ is correct. It’s a verb, however weak and unwise.
What is the news?
That’s the important change in the lead. The original states the company is ‘pleased to announce’ a sponsorship with the PGA TOUR, without mentioning the important part, who are the players? And as we’ve said many times, there is no earthly reason to write ‘pleased to announce’ in a lead; of course you are! Secondly, as many companies are frequently tempted to do, the information about the business is placed first, as if any editor will care about it. By the way, PGA TOUR is correct, as that’s how the organization spells it. The TOUR should be used as a second reference. Note how moving the players’ names up reduces the redundancy in repeating PGA TOUR twice.
Original lead
RICHMOND, Va., Jan. 9, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — CapTech, a technology consulting firm which has partnered with some of the world’s most successful companies in pioneering custom solutions that bridge the gap between business and technology, is pleased to announce the sponsorship of four PGA TOUR players and one Senior PGA TOUR player for the 2020 / 2021 season.
According to Sandy Williamson, Chairman and Co-Founder of CapTech and a 2019 inductee to the Greater Richmond Hall of Fame, “We are known for bringing high energy and curiosity to advance what’s possible and using technology to drive innovations that best serve our clients. Golf has certainly been one of the sports to embrace technology advances – from golf club construction to golf simulators and wearable technology. We are thrilled to sponsor PGA TOUR players Brandt Snedeker, Harris English, Patton Kizzire, J.T. Poston as well as Senior PGA TOUR player Joe Durant.” Talk about burying the news two paragraphs deep! (142 words)
Better Writer Edit
RICHMOND, Va., Jan. 9, 2020 /PRNewswire/ — CapTech has announced the sponsorship of 2020 PGA TOUR players Brandt Snedeker, Harris English, Patton Kizzire, J.T. Poston and Senior TOUR player Joe Durant. A technology consulting firm partnering with some of the world’s most successful companies, CapTech pioneers custom solutions bridging the gap between business and technology.
“We are known for bringing high energy and curiosity to advance what’s possible and using technology to drive innovations that best serve our clients,” said Sandy Williamson, CapTech chairman and co-founder, a 2019 inductee to the Greater Richmond Hall of Fame. “Golf has certainly been a sport embracing technology advances – from golf club construction to golf simulators and wearable technology. ” Note how the CEO is placed between the quotes; it’s less egotistical and breaks up the copy, slowing down the reader. (109 words)
Look at the A/B comparison for the company description:
A. CapTech, a technology consulting firm which has partnered with some of the world’s most successful companies in pioneering custom solutions that bridge the gap between business and technology… (followed by the extraneous ‘is pleased to announce’).
B. A technology consulting firm partnering with some of the world’s most successful companies, CapTech pioneers custom solutions bridging the gap between business and technology.
The description is flipped; the company name appeared more important to describe what it does, not how it describes itself. And the verb became stronger – ‘pioneers’ vs. ‘is.’
An essential lesson here is use gerunds too.
- which has partnered with/ partnering with
- that bridge the gap/bridging the gap
